Rizwan Kassim's Public Log

Girls, Memories and Reasons

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noticed I repeat blog titles a lot.. this was originally called "Thoughts...", which had been used before, but just with two periods.

Ended it with (ex-gal) last thursday. A number of reasons... more than I can tell in one punch. I got tired of hearing her talk about other boys that she wants (seemingly constantly), a lack of passion (turns out when we fooled around, she had her ex in mind. Lovely), haunting echoes of (ex-gf2) telling me that shes not good enough from me, some reasonable advice from HeatherW, the fact that (ex-gal) was brought up seeing being a house-wife as her goal in life, and the fact that she really needs a friend and some direction right now.

I'm okay about all the reasons but two. Dumping a girl (mutually) due to a lack of passion seems kinda ... slutty. HeatherW pointed out that its all what you expect out of a realtionship, and I've never dated someone that didnt really like me and found themselves attacted to me ... (ex-gal) even noted that we both wanted different things, she wanted someone that was better than Chris to decide if he was right for marraige, and im looking to have fun... I could have played along, but I care about people too quickly, and I didnt want to put myself in the situation where iwas unhappy and staying in it. Granted it was *just* dating, so breakup doesnt apply, some vague, stopping date term applies.

Other reason is (ex-gf2) . We had a long chat back when I posted about changing the blog, she requested name removals and some, and I understood her feelings. We talked about our relationship, and what our feelings were for each other, strengths and weaknesses in it, some things I said that stuck in her mind and vice versa. I'll mention one, just cause I think it says something about me that I would want to be said ... the rest are more negative, and more private. ... Once, after sleeping over, I stopped her while she was brushing her teeth in the morning, and hugged her and showed herself to the mirror and said "No matter what happens between us, I want you to know that you are beautiful..." ... I meant it too.

Part of me wanted to post tons about our converstation, but I managed to stay disciplined. Its beyond private, and almost no one will know the contents of that conversation.

Being alone sucks. 12 hours after ending it, I started feeling down about being alone. Its this automatic impulse in the back of my head, its like i've left the house, but left the stove on, this constant nagging worry... even when I'm kinda dating or flirting or something, that urge is satisfied... Saw Natalie at class today and almost kinda started hitting on her till I stopped myself. Makes it harder cause I think about (ex-gf2) . I would anyhow since we talked and a lot of my feelings about the relationship have changed, but I do miss talking with her. Part of me wishes that I had told her that I still wanted to see her when she wanted too, as she might have felt herself, and I'm not sure I meant in a platonic way. I thought later that night, that it might be more problems that it would be worth, but thats a variable thought and grows/fades with time, and it is worth a lot. Its not stalkership before anyone freaks out, I'm not writing her, I'm not contacting her after we discussed a hiatus of contact. You remember the good things in life and think of them. You remember when you were ten, or your first kiss, or your happiest moment with family and long for them again in its own way, and it isn't strange then. There are comfortable moments from a relationship, personal intimate moments, waking up next to someone special, hearing your name said with affection, staring into someones eyes, that dont have to (and with most couple, don't) end upon the conclusion of a relationship.

Yeah, so i miss beingwith someone, even though the person i was with, I wasn't very happy with. The "leaving the stove on" analogy fits perfectly. Even i I am kinda sorta flirting with someone, the need is quenched.

Schools going well, aced one test, got another on Friday that has me quite nervous, so its time to see how much OH / tutoring I can do! Klaskin and Schnider appts on Thursday, always fun. Magic regionals on Saturday, as well as the Asha Bosely concert ...

Raquel, I wasn't going to respond, but I have no intention of letting you think that you've scared me into anything. I'm not gonna get your phone number from (ex-gf2) , as I wouldn't break the silence to have a pointless argument with you, and going along with my "women have no scruples" concept, I wouldn't be surprised to find you twisting my words or taking a comment to the point that I'd either be villanized in others eyes (more than I have already), or that you sic law enforcement friends upon me... If you call that fear, fine. I just don't see the point; I'm not likely to think myself a creep and I don't think id respond to the kind of argument that you'd make. I have a small shot at convincing you that I'm a decent guy, and to be honest, this is one of those times that I really dont mind having someone dislike me. Post on the site

Got my paperwork from Comedyworld, Filed a $3500 claim and they will allow only $1000 as a priority .. I didnt claim the max $4650 like everyone else, perhaps I should have ... time to write a rational letter to the trustee, but I wonder if it is likely to have any effect.

Its really weird. When I had "dating" under control, the other worries in my life took precedence, and I worked on em. Now, its worrying about the dating thing that occupies my time... so very odd.

Oh, I met my future wife. Granted, she's 29, lives 500 miles away, and, oh, did I mention, marrying my cousin? Yeah, kinda a bad situation there. Shes got the same name as my sis too, radically different spelling however. Funny, twinge of scientific, intelligent, imaginative, attractive, extremely witty, Ismaili (!)... not restricted in the Ismaili sense that we normally are, conservative, weirded out, not wanting to stick out ... Turns out she wasn't in with much of the Ismaili crowd either, and just happened to meet my cuz. Gives me some hope for the future... Heard some thoughts on why I might not like the girls from Rehman, perhaps because a lot are new here, first generation and haven't got the education that others born here do, but I don't think i buy that. Plenty of second-generationers about that don't attract me.... Feeling like a pariah in the community never helped.

I just was totally stricken by the humor. I make jokes. A lot. Its a thing with me. When someone comes back at all, its nice. When I get a response that makes me thing, I should have thought of that, it floors me. I guess it only applies to girls. I was floored by the Mike and Ben people, but for totally different reasons, but when a girl makes me genuinely laugh, goodness.

Anyhow, enough of my ranting about the cousin-in-law, it was just a metting of seemingly compatible personalities, and someone I'm looking forward to being friends with. We talked a lot that night, she was totally interested in how I ended up developing my ability to try to watch as many points of view as possible, and was an excellent listener. I, of course, interrupted her too many times, as I do, and we got interrupted by others when I swore that I was gonna keep my mouth shut when she responded to my question.

Mum just asked why I do this. ... I could just write emails to myself. First, I like the fact that people read it. Its voyuerisitc, I know. The fact that HeatherW and Farhana read it on a regular basis gives me thrills. I like expressing myself in some way, and writing emails to myself wouldn't really give me the pleasure that writing for the web would. I wrote today because Ir ealized I hadn't posted and felt some small measure of obligation ... that is considerably less applicable when I talk to myself.

It also helps purge and analyze from a different perspective. Its like telling a friend, except its not concurrent, its more than one friend, there are no interruptions, etc. That being said, I do miss talking with Heather on a regular basis, as normally she'd be my outlet for all this.

Casey Green from Play saw the site and called it "interesting" ... I loved the ... is it a metaphor or simile? Oh, euphemisim. I'd like to say that anyone who didnt understand why I posted doesn't get me, but thats not true. People can get me and understand why I want to do something, but almost no one gets why I do things when I shouldn't, or why I ignore tasks or responsibilities, or re-prioritize, or rationalize.

Was watching "Lucky" on FX, main char is a compulsive gambler, who quit but fell back into his habit. when he realizes he went back, there aren't excuses, even though he had a good one. He doesn't explain away his behavior, and is unabashed that he is doing it. ... I'm slowly reaching there, where the excuses rarely justify the failures, and just cause I happen to be able to make a justification to myself for anything, and to other people for almost anything, it doesn't mean I should. Missing class is bad for any reason. Emailing ex-girlrfiends that don't want to be emailed is bad (that being said, most people can rationalize themselves into beliving anything when it comes to the opposite sex), spending cash I don't have on Magic, playing too much Everquest, arguing with the 'rents, eating fatty foods, lying, cheating, and every other human vice, real or imagined ... its easy to find a reason, but hard to stop making reasons. I guess thats the overall point I need to reach. Must clean dishes now cause I have no, no reason why I shouldn't, period.

Wonder if rationalizing is a typical coping mech for AD/HD. I'm sure it is for druggies, alcoholics, gamblers and every other form of compulsion. It was a big day when I started blaming myself for what was going on in my world, not some condition, not the weather, not my parents, not the traffic. World doesnt just happen to me, I make the world around me. Some things are unavoidable, most aren't. Turns out breakups with (ex-gf2) had more to do with what I said and did than I thought, it wasn't bound to happen. takes a hell of a long time to totally realize that though... Before anyone out there judges, take a look at yourself and see if you do any of those things.

I am of course speaking in hyperbole, but it gets the point across. Some of those things Ive done and some I havent. I started playing mtgo and just lost my train of thought ;p

Anyhow enough rambling.

Oh, since i havent posted for a while, it moved past postings to the archive. Look on the right side for em.

Note : an NPR program about home videos struck me when one of the commentators was talking about the transition from geekdom to popular life ... and the trials of trying to hide the fact that you were a geek... ill include a clip, and thoughts, later.

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Interesting Day

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o the two people that posted angry, immature statements, hi. Your concern is noted and appreciated, your attitude was not. Theres no love lost with one of you (of course I'm trouble since she first saw me so...) and while I understand the emotions of another, the way that they were expressed were immature and aggressive. Both of you, if you wanted to make me change the way I did things, asking me would have been eternally better than the approach that you made. Legally I can post whatever I want by the way. If you had any courage of your convictions, you might have signed it something other than "Sinatra Fan." Oh, Raquel? Something I've wanted to say since i met you... Bite me. I'm sure you are a worthy person in your own right, but I never saw any reason to think so.

That being said, I got a phone call today that made me rethink a couple of things about this site and how i approach people. I'm going to avoid posting as much personal stuff here, in lieu of magic crap, interesting tidbits and linkage, and move personal comments to a personal directory. (sorry voyuers.) Past posts about exes and current girls will probably have their names replaced with psuedonyms... one of those people called me and we had an intelligent conversation ... as well as talking about things that I long to write down; but not here. I reserve my right to use this site for whatever I damn well please; but it isn't fair to those I've cared about to post hsitories of them, and even posting my current feelings borders on inconsiderate.

Site will be updated soon, I'm thinking of psuedonyms right now, but nothing jumps to mind, so ill just replaced with CENSORED for now :) I still like expressing things here but the effect upon other people is inconsiderate at least; keep tuned for more updates on plans.

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girlage

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ute date with (ex-gal) on Saturday; picked her up all fancy dressed with a rose. Olive Garden ($44 tab and the girl wouldn't even try the house dressing!) and then a candlelit dessert on the beach (personal fantasy of hers) .. I expected her to be more excited, but then again it was SVL beach, so im sure it didn't live up to the grandeur of her imagination.

We fought a lot at the beginning of the date, I got snapped at for ordering for her (she was under the impression it was some cultural difference that I was dealing with, funny part is, is that it isn't any reference to my parentals' culture but instead to the American culture I was brought up with) and for another few things ... learned some odd things, dressing up and going out for dinner isn't romantic, but going out and making reservations is. hmm. Olive Garden is going to shit, while the Manicotti was SPECTACULAR, oh my goodness; lots of people in jeans and such .. sigh.

I smsed heatherw a lot asking her for stabilization advice and to (ex-gal) 's comment "well im just pmsing", heatherw contributed the ever-valuable advice; "Just be apologetic and patient. That's really all you can do. And don't take it personally." The SMS conversation then extended to the improrpiety of actually handing your date pads to hold onto ... "Good lord, You'd think she's old enough to be able to plan for herself ..." and a gem, "No matter how understanding one is, there's still a line of propriety during early dating.'

I'm going to get in trouble with any female readers here. I have no problems with being sensitive. I've had visitors that didnt think to plan and I had to run to the RA/PA to get pads. My sister and I are reasonably open about such stuff. i've got a little sister ... id go nuts if i was totally squemish about menstrual cycles.
That being said, It isn't exactly a turn on. certain adjectives make me immediately nauseous, heavy, chunky and other such graphic images really just make me want to become a bachelor. I dont mind being supportive and fetching the Aleve and reading "matilda" to you (which i used to do to heather) when you are cramping, but please don't describe it to me. just as importantly, (and i do have to give (ex-gal) credit on this), if you are likely to get mad cause you are PMSing, tell me; and don't be offended if i treat you with kid gloves. I get upset when people ask if im of a certain mood 'cause of my medication and other women i know get upset when they are asked if they are just mad if they are pmsing ... no one likes to have their feelings dismissed...

Anyhow,
got onto beach, stared out, uncomfortable silences on and off... i brought puddin' and marshmellows... tried to roast marshmellows on the candle, but it started to smell like wax (the marshmellow) ... stared and talked .. slowly realized that she was quite tired, (having ignored/not been able to take my suggestion that she take a nap post work...) .. this was 9pm btw. We got tire dof the very ridgy sand and cuddled in the backseat ... nothing particularly frisky happened as she was on the edge of falling asleep .. (at which point i told the story of (ex-gf1) and me @ the statue garden... thats a very interesting girl-fall asleep story.) Then i went to drop her off, she made sure to let me know that she enjoyed the night and that it was very romantic, and that was much appreciated on my part. We discussed the lack of .. anything.. being a 'guy' i get sensitive, but I refuse to write off passion as "guy reflexes..." shes worried 'bout chris (understandable) and tired at times (Again, understandable) and just sometimes not in any sorta mood ... but it wasn't cause I had done anything or that I had suddenly become unattractive, which made me feel better.

called her sun night just to say hi .. weird as fuck, i think she was tired but somewhere in the back of my head im being told to not call her until thursday when any possible external influences (;p) might stop affecting her mood. I'm sure some women's society will be knocking on my door tonight.

Anyhow; so it was a nice, albeit short date. I dislike the concept of making a romantic date in order to "get some" which really wasn't the point, although somewhere in me, it was definetly hoped for. This duality between the goodguy/emotional guy and the less-than-good guy/sexual guy is a pain in the ass, but im lamenting it less... i think everyone has to deal with it... Girls especially.. god, there are a few reasons i am quite thankful for not having been born female... (leaving out what my personality would be like in a female form and different developmental things, im talking purely social and physical differences) first, the whole period, having children thing. second, and almost as bad, the strange mores on sexuality in our culture. this has been hashed by many people many times, and there is no need to explain it ... might link my sexuality paper for Cultural Anthro for some of my comments.

So yeah .. whats the point of a romantic date? To get to know someone closer, to advance the relationship ... im trying to think about (ex-gf2) and the romantic v. going out dates ... we hung out at each other places so much ... its was just a few "romantic" dates.

Oh, while getting ready for lab, quite cute girl in the back row of lab, of course she isn't in the class but we exchanged smiles and when prf. naga actually went through on her threat to shut down the entire lab's power, we had a short chat in which I informed her that it was normally a bluff. I put some value into that little encounter and I have no idea why .. she was cute and all ... I can't really get a mental image, and nothing else stood out it was just ... I see girls around here all the time and i do my cordial smile and whatnot ... this one stood out slightly. I was annoyed that I didnt introduce myself, but how forward can you be in a computer lab... (riz; how did you meet helen? being forward in a computer lab, remember?) ... i could have just stuck out my hand, it just didnt occur to me till after ; wasn't so much a lack of confidence, could have always logged into a computer next to her.

Regionals Practice this Saturday, I need to play test v. UG madness and tog ... might need a braids or two, but against tog, so many counters, god knows what i should do, Regionals week after, then a week off, then Scourge pre-release. Where the hell is the scourge spolier btw?! HeatherW asked me to play Team Sealed with her 24th (its 3 player though) pratice then 31st for the PT Boston Qualifier.

Oh, scourge isn't at the Pos santa ana location, yay!... oh it looks like the promotions company has sanctioned every saturday...

Small part of me is annoyed that im not running a Tier1 deck at regionals ... esp like R/G Beats or something. Fine, i've tested somewhat with this one, ill keep it ;p Beasts thoughts. Other Reanimators.
I have no easy way with dealing with 6/6 flying tokens, btw... or anything flying, esp if it comes early.

Oh, honda commerical.

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Shareware

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mm blog fixed anyhow... think it was the concept of putting a link in same place as the leading headercap...

either way, whatever screwed it up :

Fred Langa evaluates 10 valuable, commercial-quality software tools that are available just for the asking. It's not the same old freeware.

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My Pad Thai Recipie

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prah.com Food and Home

INGREDIENTS

• 1/4 cup fish sauce
  
• 1/4 cup light brown sugar, packed
  
• 1/3 cup rice vinegar or distilled white vinegar
  
• 1 teaspoon paprika
  
  
• 7 ounces (1/2-inch-wide) dried rice noodles
  
• 3 Tablespoon vegetable oil
  
• 1 garlic clove, minced
  
• 1 pound medium shrimp, shelled and deveined
  
• 4 ounces baked or fried tofu, cut into 1/4" x 1" squares (about 1 cup)
  
• 2 large eggs, lightly beaten, optional
  
• 1/2 cup chopped scallions (green parts only, cut into 1-inch lengths)
  
• 1/2 cup chopped roasted peanuts, plus additional for garnish
  
• 3 cups bean sprouts, plus additional for garnish
  
  
• 1/2 cup sliced red pepper
  
• 1 lime, cut into wedges
  

Stir together all the sauce ingredients until the sugar is dissolved. Meanwhile, soak the noodles in warm water to cover, about 30 minutes or until softened; drain.
Heat the oil in a wok or large skillet over high heat until hot but not smoking. Add the garlic and sauté, stirring, about 20 seconds, just until fragrant. Add the shrimp and cook, stirring, about 2 minutes, until pink and not quite cooked through. Stir in the noodles until coated with the oil.
Add the sauce to the noodles and cook, stirring occasionally, 5 to 7 minutes, or until the liquid is absorbed; add water if necessary to soften the noodles. Stir in the tofu.
If using the eggs, create a well in the center of the wok by pulling the noodles to the side. Add the eggs and cook, stirring, until firm. Stir in the scallions, peanuts and bean sprouts; blend well and heat through. Transfer the noodles to a serving platter and garnish with the red pepper, bean sprouts, peanuts and lime.
For a healthier version: Reduce the fish sauce and brown sugar to 2 tablespoons each. Cut the vegetable oil to 1 tablespoon, and use only baked tofu. If using eggs, substitute one egg white for one of the eggs. Use dry roasted peanuts, and reduce to 1/4 cup.
Recommended ingredients: Fish sauce and tofu are available at most supermarkets, specialty stores and health food stores.
Nutritional information (using baked tofu and without eggs): 599 calories, 23 grams fat, 3 grams saturated fat, 1688 mg sodium, 64 grams carbohydrate, 33 grams protein
Nutritional information (healthier version without eggs): 463 calories, 12 grams fat, 2 grams saturated fat, 991 mg sodium, 58 grams carbohydrate, 31 grams protein

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thoughts on the site

"Rizwan, you are a mega talent in your own right aren't you? I really enjoyed your website and I am stunned by all the different links and resources that you provide. Do you update them yourself daily or are those done automatically by some other website?Your interests are varied and so complete. Your photography is beautiful...simply stunning...I have told you that before but I am reminded again at how good it is. I gotta ask you though...everyday you post something personal on your sight...Does (ex-gal) ever read it and see your true feelings? Do you ever feel vulnerable with having exposed your thoughts? I felt a little vogeuristic (sp?) reading your notes - and enjoying it quite frankly. Would love to hear your updates from time to time...you have a captivating writing style and are so enjoyable to read."

Hehe, thats why I love blogging. fam worries about the effect of it and more personal stuff is getting stashed elsewhere; the kind of stuff that I really wouldn't want to share unabashedly. (ex-gal) reads the site with me at times, else shes quite computer phobic... I complain to her about what she does when it drives me nuts...

That being said it would surprise me if the more conservative elements of my family started reading the site often enough .. then again theres not much I do that im ashamed about, if i choose to sleep with a girl (which I haven't) it really isn't the purview of my extended family ... ::ponders::

Yay on flattery with my photography .. I love it! :) I sooo need to shoot more, maybe when I go to Canadia inshallah. As for vulnerable, nah... I dont have enemies and I'm pretty frank with my thoughts directly to people. Its like when people reserve themselves at the beginning of a relationship because of past fears of getting hurt, I dont do that just because I haven't been hurt, and I havent been made to feel vulnerable since high school and i've grown a ton since.

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ex-gf2

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alled (ex-gf2) to wish her a good easter ; turns out its next week.

Chatted a bit, shes moving to Tennesse, which is nifty thrifty, doing a mix of clincal and practice study ... she a bright girl ..

We chatted about school and all, and then about my movie, then conversation kinda languished and I neglected to end it early enough.. I wasn't exactly charming either, stuttering more than usual and being uncomfortable (for no good reason, but still); her and her mom arrived at destination, so we parted ways .. I hinted at dropping an email to see how she was doing which was ignored. Its nice to know that she is doing well; and whats funny is that, that was all I wanted to know. she sounds really happy and all.

I don't want to be with her, I'm happy with (ex-gal) and even if (ex-gf2) wanted to be together I don't think I'd jump right in... first, I can't almost fall for her again, it sucked enough the first time; secondly Tenessee and all. I just ... it sucks to care about a person so much (or have cared anyhow), and have them not that interested in keeping in touch. Granted, its been explained away as it was being hard for her and that she did miss me etc. I just don't like the possibility that im just trying to make myself feel better. mini geek note, she didnt know it was me calling, her phone didnt show caller id and she didnt recognize the number meaning that she forgot the number (big deal) and that it isn't in her phone (minor deal).

either way, it was nice hearing her voice again. I don't like feeling that uncomfoirtable on the phone, which is why i rarely use the phone. I so want to meet her for cafe and see how things are, see if shes dating anyone, see how her family is... just chat like ; well, friends.

HeatherW once said that being with a new girl cauterizes the wounds from the previous. I'm not sure thats 100% true. Those wounds healed before hand, I just can't watch too much of Nia Vardalos without thinking of (ex-gf2) , thats all. Its weird, as a guy its supposed to be stereo-typical , that Im contacting her to get some, and that really isn't the case. Granted, the thought passed through my head, but I actually miss her friendship.

Anyhow, enough ranting. I've got homework to do and a date tonight.

p.s. I can already hear the yelling that heather is gonna do when she finds out i've called (ex-gf2) . Like i've told others, if i followed 0% or 100% of Heather's advice, I'd be loveless, if I followed 50% of it, I'd be covered with the most amazing women in the world (singular is fine, thanks). Friends are good.

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My sister is famous!

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y sister is famous!!!!!

My sisters in a music video, shes famous!! Linkage

I'm so proud of her, I love her soooooo much. take a look at my pics to see which one she is...

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Cabal Cemetary

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y deck that worked wonderfully at FNM and is my regionals deck ... Original of StarCityGames, with a few small mods... here is the listing, strats, thoughts, sideboard stats and ideas.

Cabal Cemetary
Mainboard 4 Cabal Archon 4 Festering Goblin 2 Gempalm Polluter 4 Rotlung Reanimator 1 Shepherd of Rot 1 Undead Gladiator 4 Withered Wretch 4 Smother 4 Cabal Therapy 3 Mutilate 3 Oversold Cemetery 3 Ensnaring Bridge 3 Unholy Grotto 20 Swamp	Side Board 2 Chainer's Edict 4 Duress 2 Engineered Plague 1 Ensnaring Bridge 2 Grave Consequences 1 Graveborn Muse 2 Haunting Echoes 1 Mutilate 2 Cover of Darnkess 1 Gempalm Polluter 2 Guiltfeeder 2 Megrim 4 Mesmeric Fiend 1 Oppresson 1 Persecute 2 Rancid Earth
CARDS : AVG COST : COLOR : TYPE : SET:	60 2.49 42 23L, 3E, 3A, 4I, 7S, 20C 4 JU, 3 TO, 3 7th, 24 ONS, 6 LEG

The ones below the bar are original sideboard idaes. I'm also thinking about:
Malevolent Awakening
Skeletal Scrying
Braids, Cabal Minion

Note to self, I'm missing a swamp, a gladiator, a therapy and 2 Ghastly Demises, I must have dropped em while sideboarding or something.

I took out Megrims cause I can't see where they would be effective... Braids might be fun inside too ... I'm a bit tired and annoyed cause just had a fight with dad, so i wont list strats, and SB ideas for later, just +/- changes...

Anyway its a ton of fun to play, the recurision with the Reanimators and Archons is spectacular, and I even did well against my old enemy, madness.

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Never insult

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ever insult a girls exboyfriend.

Picked up (ex-gal) after class; she was at the flower shop and I just surprised her; work let her off early.
went to sbux, home, then magic; she was willing to come. I found it incredibly sweet.

Played my new deck, went 2-0,2-1,2-0 (BG Madness, some WG thing that went manascrewx2, Gratutious Violence+slivers)

Got to finals, had best record in the house. Beat Wizards by 2-1, damn close third game, with a static orb out, only reason i survived is that I got (through good poker face reading), two engineered plague (wizards) out, and he drew like 10 islands.

Started up on next game and was kidding with wizard boy about his deck, then started talking about military, said that "reserves barely count as military, only two days a month", which he agreed.. (ex-gal) lashed out and yelled at me right there, thinking i was insulting chris ... I was up for another game, but I conceded, didnt have my heart in it, plus a booster + DCI Priest of Titania wasnt worth risking her. Everyone in store felt bad for me ... Drove back, then pulled over and apologized pointing out that i care a lot about her and wouldnt say anything ot make her mad,etc. she forgave me and admitted that she was real tired and that might have had something to do with it. We made up and planned Saturday as a real date night. Just draining though and I MIGHT HAVE TAKEN FIRST! :cries:

Was worth it though. I like her.

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tiiiiiiirred...

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'm quite tired, even though its 11 .. im gonna hit the sack early.

Talked with klaskin, lotta good stuff on cash and parentals and gratification (not in the same thoughts...) I need to find an audiobook version of driven to distraction... Somethinkg happened that I wanted to blog about, but i can't recall right now.. oh yes i can.. this show after will and grace on nbc drives me nuts... Guy A meets Girl C and falls for her so moves to miami. Girl B, Guy A's secretary falls for A. Guy D starts dating C. B (whos REALLY CUTE and has glasses and whod id drop anything for) lusts for A who lusts for C . A tries to tell C but notes ends up in hands of D, who now knows. A and B start dating for a month but it doesnt work out. B realizes that she still loves A but A is still hung up on C, and B helps them setup a romantic dinner in respond to D proposing to C. C is flustered, especially when A admits his love, as they start to realize that they both care, A realizes that his true love is actually B. B and D are drinking depressed at losing A and C, and when A arrives to visit his true love B, B is kissing D. Enter C.

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?! I swear, constant romantic entanglements in sitcoms are fucked up. It was messed up in friends, we watch to laugh not to worry and cry.

Oh, blind date rocks.

okay week, got my deck setup, ill post details later. (ex-gal) and I are okay, shes got a job at flower shop. I cant wait for fnm tomorrow but i want to see her so i might be lousy and ask her to stay with me for a few hrs there. bah, if i can wait at her play practice for 4 hrs she can do that with me. Then again if it reminds her of her ex.. bah that was 6 years ago what do i care.

went to OH to make up for my missed classes, understand it a bit more, still need to go much more, but he wont stay later on friday. other class is QED. trying to get stuff done around the house and more, um thats it for now, tata.

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ex-gf2

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izwanK: I miss (ex-gf2) :-(
HeatherW: What brought that on?
rizwanK: Watching my big fat greek life is just bad for my emotional health.
HeatherW: I"m sorry.
rizwanK: the facial movements, the eyes, the comedy, they all remind me of her.
rizwanK: its easter on Sunday, so I have an excuse to call on Saturday and wish her well
rizwanK: its just a big holiday that its hard to get upset about me calling :-)
HeatherW: Aww. :]
rizwanK: plus i dont think shes at that point anymore
HeatherW: Would you be?
rizwanK: Upset?
HeatherW: yes.
rizwanK: if she called me?
HeatherW: Yes.
rizwanK: Nope.
rizwanK: We had a good thing going even after we broke up
rizwanK: she got panicky and didnt want to talk to me anymore
rizwanK: like seven months later.
rizwanK: took a full bottle of wine to ignore the hurt that night ;p
HeatherW: I'm sorry. :/
rizwanK: it was like strawberry wine
rizwanK: mmmmm
HeatherW: Port?
rizwanK: nope
rizwanK: flavored crap
rizwanK: $2.99 a bottle
HeatherW: Eeeugh.
rizwanK: port would remind me of her :-)
rizwanK: Greeks are such cool people
rizwanK: Probably one of my favorite ethnicities right now
HeatherW: Wow, way to go with the racial stereotypes. :]
rizwanK: Been interested in a few greek girls after (ex-gf2)
rizwanK: well, I fit some Indo/Pakistani stereotypes
rizwanK: and even when i dont, my behavior is still bounded by my upbringing
rizwanK: thats what I mean.
HeatherW: I know.
HeatherW: You'd punk me out if I said it, though. ;]]
rizwanK: Would I?
rizwanK: Apologies
rizwanK: I get over analytical when im with smart people
rizwanK: still got something to prove @ times.
HeatherW: Still doesn't explain why you're analytical around me. :]
HeatherW: And don't worry about it.
rizwanK: ... anyhow, she made me laugh, she was goregous, and I almost loved her
rizwanK: so that pang arises.
rizwanK: Much much less since I started seeing (ex-gal)
HeatherW: That's what new girlfriends are for.
rizwanK: but still.... and that damned show doesnt make it any better; but I cant stop downloading it every monday
HeatherW: Whether it works out or not, it tends to cauterize the wounds of the previous one.
rizwanK: rofl, a wider definition of the word girlfriend here.
rizwanK: :-)
rizwanK: Good word.
rizwanK: I guess its validation that someone could care about you again
rizwanK: Now that I think about it, maybe I did love (ex-gf2)
HeatherW: And that you could care about someone besides the last one.
rizwanK: I have no method of comparison, however.
HeatherW: Love isn't a comparison thing.
rizwanK: as in whether i have before or not.
HeatherW: You don't have to compare it to something else to know that it is or was there.
rizwanK: i took some pics of her, they are on the photogallery
HeatherW: If you're not sure, then it wasn't.
HeatherW: I saw.
rizwanK: I love my parents, and I know what that feels like
rizwanK: I've adored girls and I know what that feels like
rizwanK: I don't know what love feels like, is what im saying
rizwanK: i mean she had her faults
rizwanK: its just hard to categorize em when i miss her
HeatherW: Everyone does.
rizwanK: Nope, not me.
rizwanK: I'm perfect.
rizwanK: didnt you read the memo?
HeatherW: Oh, my mistake.
rizwanK: :-)
rizwanK: MY HAT! I love it!
rizwanK: I'm extremely happya bout that .. . (ex-gal) said last night that she finds it extremely sexy.
rizwanK: apparently she looked at me and thought, hes okay looking, then saw the hat and started making eyes at me
rizwanK: talk about me placing confidence in an inanimate object.
HeatherW: Hats are nice.
rizwanK: yes.
rizwanK: ... (ex-gf2) wore hats.
HeatherW: And whatever gives you confidence works.
HeatherW: It's not (ex-gf2) that (ex-gal) finds attractive with a hat, though.
HeatherW: Goofball.
rizwanK: (ex-gf2) never saw this hat, and she never stopped finding me attractive. that was not the problem.
rizwanK: but thats very true
rizwanK: and makes me smile
rizwanK: which is all i can hope for
rizwanK: Plus, I havent been called a goofball in quite a while.

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Submit

j

ust after I hit Submit on my blog, my phone ringed .. Hysterical sobs that would have been unattributed save fo caller id. One of siss dance partners and friends (male) died last night in a car accident... He was the sweetest guy that ever lived, apparently. I can't bring myself to worry abouthim and his family though, all my thoughts center on .y cryingsister... What do you say to someone except I'm sorry and if you need me I'm there... Over the phone anyhow. Asking for details is callous and counter-productive, I just felt so impotent... I'm gonna drive to go see her if she's okay with it... Driving in the rain sucks in la, if you didn't know... Heatherw describes it as us running around screaming that the sky is falling. Sigh... What do you do when you can't be there to be cryed on... Was sweet is that she wanted me to go back to class and that we could talk later.. She rates my classes that important for me... its an odd thought to have right now... Referrers

yeah yeah..

Y

eah yeah, I'm falling behind on blogging and the most recent blog seemed kinda racist.

I'm gonna start making this a what I did and less of a how i feel, due to requests of family and friends; plus if im gonna talk about how i feel, it might as well been unadulterated, and therefore, private.

First, some fun reading
Worst Foot Forward: A Guide to Foreign Insults

Found my hat today; extremely excited. Its kinda itchy though.
Didn't do so well on attending my ME class, really need to not let it escalate. Its ok for now. I'm gonna hit up office hours on Wednesday.
Saw Mitesh's play, quite nice. Well acted.. (ex-gal) is back in town four days early; I had planned a week (ex-gal) free.... it was probably going to be laden in Magic though .. she called me to tell me she was here so I'm not sure if i should take her out on Tuesday (no vvc class, spring break).

Mum is in Vancouver and enjoying herself. Pops seems well and is replacing the lights in the kitchen, much to the future chagrin of mum. Hung out with HeatherW twice, once on Wendesday, where we played some mtg @ panda express then on sunday when we saw the play ... I went to "Franks", a collectibles show that has a decent magic selection, spent too much on a load of commons and uncommons to help me catch up ... $8 wrath (7th), which got replaced by two miraris at FNM, since they wanted it ... Zombie deck is doing ok, but im really really getting tired of madness decks. Printed out some proxies for decks I was thinking about running at regionals, RG beats and MBC variations, but cam sent me this deck and im falling in love. turns out adrian is running it too.

A Mono Black Burn Deck?
Cabal Cemetery: How Does It Fit Into The Metagame?
Testing Cabal Cemetary

Just realized I only read the first of three articles .. well ill hit up the rest.

I'm bothered by the lack of removal, but the explainations make sense. I want to add 2x Guiltfeeders and 2x Grave Consequences against tog... perhaps Ostracize, but that makes it too much control. Also possibly Oppression ... its just diluting the deck though, and I cant see that I might have better ideas than the comparative experts that came up with this deck ... I'm probably going to run this or something similar at Regionals ... recursion is fun!

ECE class is pie so far, vhdl is simple. Renfaire starts soon btw, HeatherW and I are gonna go. My Heather skipped off to NY to hang with her boy ... oh its almost passover, I should wish her .. well whatever you wish people on passover... maybe apologize for the lack of oil ... wait thats Chaunkah, isnt it? .. Renfaire is weekends, maybe i could apprentice this year ... its a good way to tie up a ton of weekends though.. looks like they left ouyt the kissing bridge again this year; those bastards.

I'd better get some food and all, I can write more during lab (as im pretty much done), and I need to get a page together to explain to others how to get ISE 5.2i version... can read my mtg articles too, food > magic i think.

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Prejudice

o

ld prejudices die hard, and so does y subliminal frustration with fobs and/or asians.... I hate people that have Loud conversations in other languages, esp when som of the sounds are unsettling... Super massive accents drive me nuts to, esp in students that are young enough to "know better" ... In profs medim accents are okay, no problems.. its the severe ones that are nuts. Did all my homework, and think I aced the quiz... Wooho I might be able to do this. Made deal with mum, for every unit I get an A for I get 50% of that unit cost (about120), B @ 25%, and for C and D I have to pay myself the corresponding pct of the fees...25 and 50 .. my idea as pops said I'd study harder if it were my own cash. Dad rigged my radio to an old amp to blast my beeper alarm, around 100 db, let's see how well it works. Referrers

Another Wacky Iraqi

(April 8) - The television pictures of U.S. tanks in Baghdad seemed undeniable, but Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's spokesman denied them anyway - with his usual flair for insult.

``There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad,'' Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf asserted outside Baghdad's Palestine Hotel on Monday.

"The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad," he told reporters gathered on the roof of the Information Ministry. "As our leader Saddam Hussein said, 'God is grilling their stomachs in hell.' "

Sahhaf, 63, who kept a low profile before the war, has become an unlikely media star and a hero to many in the Arab world, at the same time as Western audiences gasp at his bravado.

Across the region, Arabs hoping for victory over the United States - hated for its support of Israel and portrayed as attacking Iraq only for its oil - embrace Sahhaf's version. And even when they can't believe what he is saying, they like the way he says it.

They get a kick out of the way he ridicules President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair in daily news conferences, broadcast live. Some call it the ``al-Sahhaf show.''

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Class

b

logged before and it somehow gotlost. In a VHDL class right now, seeingly simple so far andits a senior lvl class... Senior UCLA classes are grad school stuff at CalPoly... Got the earlier mechanics class, its like the Mechanical and Aeronautical class Math for EEs. Doing vectos moments and couplets, not hard so far. Real bad news, I lost myhat... Think I lost it in an elevator as I tok it off while I had stuffed pockets.. Checkedeng main office, no luck so far: hope its at campus L and F, else I might cry. Already thinking if I can get another from robinsons may. Totally bummed me out though. I LOVE my hat... Come back to me! Covering levels of abstractions right now, sigh class that start off easy are bad for me, I get confident/lazy. So ill try to make myself ace it all Referrers

Zombies 3 and more magic

H

ere we go.

Zombies v3.0
Mainboard 4 Festering Goblin 4 Chainer's Edict 4 Nantuko Husk 3 Soulless One 2 Gempalm Polluter 2 Patriarch's Bidding 2 Oversold Cemetary 2 Balthor the Defiled 2 Undead Gladiator 2 Noxious Ghoul 2 Boneknitter 1 Graveborn Muse 1 Scion of Darkness 2 Corrupt 2 Diabolic Tutor 2 Mutilate 1 Zombify 1 Death Wish 1 Riptide Replicator 1 Mirari 1 Cryptic Gateway 2 Unholy Grotto 2 Cabal Coffers 1 Polluted Delta 1 Bloodstained Mire 22 Swamp	Side Board 1 Corrupt 1 Hollow Specter 1 Visara the Dreadful 2 Megrim 2 Engineered Plague 1 Gravespawn Sovereign 1 Slate of Ancestry 1 Boneknitter 1 Noxious Ghoul 1 False Cure 1 Smother 1 Withered Wretch 1 Head Games 1 Infernal Caretaker 1 Zombify 1 Cover of Darkness 1 Smokespew Invoker
CARDS : AVG COST : COLOR : TYPE : SET:

Somewhere I lost the Entombs and Buried Alives that I had added for fun reanimation... Scion is cool enough to cycle... yes I know the sideboard is too large, but no one really pays attention on FNM and Im partially using it as a "cards Im thinking about" area... Removed some of the Smothers, they were best agaisnt Madness, but either way I needed Megrim out quicker, one dead Rootwalla wont fix anything.

Did well at FNM with this build, lost hard to Madness but made it to fifth place... Just added the False Cure from draft today... thought about adding a Chainer, Dementia Master, but stayed away from it, no good reason. I lost one bidding, I'm not sure where it is. The deck isn't as focus, and the lack of a Wretch mainboard (or two sideboard) make dealing with GY recursion and Anger a lot worse. If I added some method to make em lose cards, I'd add a Megrim mainboard, but I'm not ready for that yet. got one more tutor and I love em, might add it. There seems not to be a cheaper tutor ... oh, I really really need to get one or two Haunting Echoes ....

Someone played me this MTG deck, ill provide more details later. Combine Pulsemage Advocate, Dreambone Muse and Riptide Shapeshifter .. i'll write about the combo later.

Talking with HeatherW and need to get CalPoly kinda ready, afk.

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Update

I

ts been a while, yeah yeah.

Pulled the whole "we should take this to the next level" April fools trick with (ex-gal) ... she enjoyed it and I managed to get out without being slapped. Went to play Volleyball with her church after which was actually quite fun. Turned in my paper right before, saying hi and bye to the prof, faked out mum making her think that there were tons of April Fools jokes around when I only switched their drawers

Wednesday, tried to sign up for classes at CalPoly but all of them were full :( I was really wanting to get started again and this totally disappointed me. SMSed with HeatherW a bit about my theories of attractiveness and quality of education; ill expound that out here sometime soon. Came home and went to Lex's house to help dad with random stuff then came home trying to find other classes. Slept soon was exhausted.

Klaskin at 12, made itthere around 12:10... went well, caught up a bit more.. she was happy about CalPoly and pointed out that I should consider just finishing there, or anyplace easier than UCLA ... dad just said that today too but im gonna take some classes first before I give it much though. Hung out with Heather, got treated poorly at Cantors, went to a Magic cardshop, spent 1.5 hrs in teh car trying to decide where to go for a movie that we ended up not seeing; Bowling for Columbine, The Hours, nor The Pianist seemed to fit our moods then, and phonebooth wasnt out yet. (omg, they arent showing it in the ville .. how is that possible?) Chatted with hilly for a while, whos growing up quickly ... talked about her and then (ex-gal) and joel and lotsa random stuff. it was soooo nice seeing her, i love her so. was gonna see heatherw but ran out of time and just came straight home; tried to do more class research.

Friday morning, I finalized my research and found out that the *new* ideal schedule, which was a LOT more CS and a lot less Engineering :( was only MW, so chilled for the day; cleaning up and wokring on my Zombie deck... went 2-0, 1-2 and 2-0 this time, doing quite well adding in a tutor and a few other random things ... made it to 5th, but lost against madness in the top tier... just as well, Iwas late for my dance with (ex-gal) at her church ... music choices were kinda so-so and she was distracted during the last half by god knows what... came over here and mums migrane was getting worse so i took her to bed and gave her a massage and all .. (ex-gal) was listening to music on the 'puter and stayed doing so till 2 or so.. boring! ;p hehe i've heard all but she was having fun; I fell asleep on the ground ... we ended up going down later to watch a Fish Called Wanda, and after some flirting and stuff.. egad! She kissed me. ... Surpised the hell out of me.... next few hours were a whirlwind which I shall not comment on, except to say that I think mum has some comments about whats allowed in the household ... she felt bad for (ex-gal) s parents, which really confused me ... anyhow, its nice and (ex-gal) is all pretty and all :) she slept over (in sis's bed) and we had cinammon rolls for breakfast and started to get distracted until I remembed I had to go to Display as mum needed help and was in an ornery mood from the headache... did some display work, am home now and preparing for a mini date with (ex-gal) , dinner at her place. .. whats sad is that if i werent in teh ville id sleep over or at least stay late, but mums being the hawk now ... im 22 for crying out loud... whatever..

anyhow, food time

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April Fools!

T

houghts on April Fools jokes for me and (ex-gal) ...

We are meeting at Subway around 7:30 .. I was gonna tell her that I was so touched that she called me after her play when I saw Chris kiss her ... that I was gonna tell her that I want to be patient and give her two weeks when i wont put any pressure on her whatsoever...

rizwanK: Need advice .. (ex-gal) and I are hitting up Subway and bowling today .. and its april fools and I cant think of ANYTHING to do... any thoughts? None of the pranks I have thought up are benign enough to be the mark of a decent person..
UberDrake: You could always "lose" your wallet and expect her to pay for everything
rizwanK: Lovely.
rizwanK: Granted its tenouous dating, so I avoid the idea of pretending im cheating on her, introducing her to someone reported to be my ex-gf, trying to hook her up with her ex-bf
rizwanK: maybe I could ask her if i could go out with her sister.
UberDrake: OH OH OH. Ok so you pick her up and tell her there was a change of plans. You have a bag with a cheap bottle of wine and a box of condoms and you pull into a cheap motel
rizwanK: Oh I love it!
rizwanK: we havent even kissed yet .. that'll scare the shit out of her.
UberDrake: Tell her you want to take your relationship to the next level
rizwanK: Ack! That'll just scare her. Shes 4 weeks out of a 4 year relationship. I always find difficult girls
rizwanK: wow,im thinking of combining the wallet and motel
UberDrake: Its supposed to scare her a little. It is a prank
rizwanK: this is true.
rizwanK: wow, thats wonderful
rizwanK: sadistic but wonderful
rizwanK: :-)
UberDrake: glad I could be of help

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