Rizwan Kassim's Public Log

Conflicts

Doc (either one) commented often on the total lack of balance in my life. In some ways, I am well beyond my years; skills, how I act in formal settings, adaptability, and in many ways, I am behind. Call it ADHD, call it a tragic Elementary and Junior High school career, call it a lack of friends in my youth, a very (overly?) supportive family, but there are serious deficits in my being. Responsibility is a laughing matter when used in terms of me. (theres a syntax error there somewhere). the lack of ability to Focus is tragic, the rationalization of totally wrong choices into acceptable reasons, ...

(as usual, i got distracted browsing and lost my train of thought.)

Anyhow, this weekend... Theres a Magic PTQ I want to judge. I'll get a box out of it, meaning I dont have to shell out $60 that I dont have for another box for my friends and I when we draft (it actually works out to about $20 as they pay for their packs, but its still a loss of cash). Theres an FNM to go to tonight, if the shelters are empty enough that distributing candy isn't a realistic idea. I, of course, don't have a Mirr T2 deck (thats any good) so ill have to bum a deck, again. I've got a pretty massive project due on Monday. I've worked as hard as I can on it, but I still need a lot of time.

To most people, skipping the PTQ would be an easy decision. The effective gain of $60 isn't worth the loss of the points that losing Saturday would have on my project, as theres no way I would be back from the PTQ before 7pm. Granted, I get most of my coding done in the afternoon/evening, but I need every minute. I have a quiz on Monday and a pair of midterms on Wednesday (both QED)...

And I still had to struggle for an hour to decide not to go.

Rationalizations, one after another, appeared. "Well, you wont have fun at FNM without your own deck and with most people not there due to Halloween... Work Friday night and go Saturday" ... "Dan will be annoyed that you didn't show (even though he generally has a surplus of judges)" ... "You can't afford to not make the $60" ... "You can bring the laptop and code at the PTQ" ...

Lame, huh? And still it was a struggle. And its a daily struggle. The difference is now that I recognize 90% of my rationalizations are pure shit, or take place in an ideal world when *nothing* ever goes wrong (Can make a 70 mile drive in 45 minutes, can focus and code while judging a ptq, can actually get work done friday night) ...

Whats funny is that ability to rationalize is incredibly valuable to me. I'm decent at selling things (mum says "ice to an eskimo," but I dont see myself as that good), when Im told "you cant do that" I generally find a way to do it... I was a very good liar back in the day... and it makes problem solving easier.

And its the most damaging of the coping mechanisims I've come up with.

I'm really into the concept of coping mechanisims this week. The word first came up early in my diagnosis ... the term can be applied to a broader group of tendencies, everyone has certain things that they do to deal with certain conditions in their life; its just some are more destructive than others. ADHDers have a 10x likelyhood of becoming Crack addicts through the danger of "self-medication." Dyslexics can eschew reading. People with timing and responsibility issues become excellent liars to deal with the trouble they get themselves into (And to help float their sinking ego)... Tourettes kids become isolated and antisocial.

So, this weekend? FNM, maybe. My super drive to help and volunteer has bled away a bit, mostly because the conditions here are much improved. I'm not going to judge at the PTQ. I'll spend the evening with my pals and sleep a bit late, and go on a cleaning/coding run tomorrow. Its a balance. And yet it seems my entire life is working at school... and at this particular moment, I dont mind it too much... not being able to judge a PTQ isnt really that big of a loss, I do spent time with friends about twice a week, I read some and watch some tv... more social activites would be nice, but I'm getting enough ...

Oh, I'm going to Atlanta next Friday for a cousins wedding. ... Another day missed from class. Even more reason not to do "other" things.

I'm not saying that these problems are beyond my control, because they aren't. I know that now. It took years of growth though... but its generally getting better over time. I'm not even saying that these problems are bigger than others. They are just bigger for me.

Was cleaning house with Dad last night, when I mentioned how much room they'd have when I moved out [again] ... he looked at me.. when are you moving out? Why?
They worry about me not doing enough, but if I am they dont mind me being at home and aren't really worried about being too dependent on them as long as I'm getting school done. And this is almost a solid 90degree turn from their position at the begininning of this quarter. Just funny, that all.

Oh, I totally forgot how much I enjoy being dressed up. Even slightly.

I used to wear (geek) ties, a pocket protector and use a rolling suitcase in High School. It was to stand out then.

Today, due to lack of polo shirts, I wore one of my nice Gap dress shirts. Cotton, white, full set of buttons, collar and left pocket. I love walking around campus like this. I feel confident. I assume people looking at me are like "Whoa, hes cute" instead of "Why is he singing Evita out loud?"... I feel more formal, more professional. Of course, theres some kick to being better dressed than the people around you too.

Okay, time to go home.

Amazing people and internet

http://highdesertfires.tripod.com/
and Talk960 Radio ..

In a stunning show of how public services fail to take advantage of the availability of the net, while private citizens do...
San Bernardino National Forest at the Forest Service

What data is available? Due to the extreme fire danger, the San Bernardino Forest is currently closed to all public use. Well, good, that helped! ;p A bit better is the State of California's website.

All I want is a map of the firezones. Is it that difficult? Oh, just found some. Oh, and here. Found it on Wrightwood...

Compare to Incident Control, which served detailed information to almost 200,000 people.

Private Forums have been a wealth of information, such as Wrightwoodcalif.com, and the Daily Press

All the evac locations. City of Hesperia.

Various message boards have been setup all around ... CA Wildfire Information, Fireupdate.com, highdesert.com

Its just nice to see that local communities and individual people making use of the internet for reasons other than flames and porn.

It also reminds me HOW lost one can get in messageboards... I just spent an hour I didnt intend to reading...

Somehow I dont think this will still be going on.

In totally irrelevant news, I'm in imdb. Yay me.
Do people go to Halloween parties? It never really occured to me. I was going to go see Seth in SB, but a) I've still got a project to finish b) I want to help with the fire c) ... what would I do? Drink? Flirt with girls Seth has lined up? Get boozed up and feel socially awkward? Doesn't really sound like fun, but then again, I can handle it, I'm just scaring myself.

Oh, I've got a rant about the union strikes for tomorrow. I've posted enough links for today so I'll write it and post my evidence tomorrow.

Life of the ADHDer, a continuing series

The things I'm mentioning will be quite obvious to those of you that, you know, do things. I'm talking to you. Those of you that get "You have to do this," actually means, you have to do this, those of you for whom arriving late is a bad habit, not a chronic state of being.

Yeah, that started off with a bang, but I got distracted and lost my train of thought. Lovely.

Anyhow, today has been the solid day of coding. My CS Quicksort problem, which was made four hours longer by call stack overflows that ended up taking 30 seconds to fix(!) is done, and I'm happy. I aced my midterm (which is to say I got a 75, with the class average at 42), am doing okay in my graphics coding project... my AC circuits class is beyond easy (especially as most of the class ignores the teacher and he spends an hour going over a 30 minute problem due to their total inability with a calculator) ... I'm missing my Discrete Math class too much though. Like 80% misses. Yes, its bad. Shes understanding and I have another two weeks till the midterm, so thats my next big focus, but it is something I shouldn't have to deal with at all (should just be at class!).

What made today hard? The fire. That big fire that caused evacuations ten miles away from me, yeah that one. The humanitarian in me wanted to go volunteer at the shelters (am going to bring candy to kids that can go trick or treating tomorrow), the media guy in me saw the live coverage being hosted from my old TV station up here and drooled... I wanted to go help! I wanted to go work! I wanted to be back in the flow, back in the tension of live tv, of deadlines and production ... I wanted to go shoot stills at the fire, become a better photographer, capture images of heroic firefighters.

What did I do instead? I programmed.

And thank goodness.

If I hadn't changed my direction away from hardcore-electrical physics, I would have abandoned my book to do infinitely more interesting things. CS classes are at least bundled in discrete bunches, projects are major milestones, its easy to focus on than, say, random "studying".

Its just disheartening. There are things i'm not doing because of this. I'd be volunteering if I werent in school, I'd see my friends more, I'd be able to play constructed magic again, I'd call Heather often, I'd have a job... la la la. But I need to do school, and I'm finally doing and doing it right. Its just ... sad, because I see missed experiences ... just like missing parts of Uzbekistan were lost experiences... I see experiences as a major component of life... doing things.. different things... builds us, makes us grow..

But I'll have to be responsible, and finish what I *need* to do. I never understood the concept of *needing* to do something, theres ALWAYS a way to rationalize yourself out of doing something... I'm amazed that I didnt this time, and quite proud of myself. And a bit sad too. Hearing them work at Odyssey was intoxicating, I could picture the studio, I could picture myself working, switching, reporting, camera work, shooting pictures, being on the phone... doing something! And instead, I'm coding something that would be trivial for a more experienced coder than I.

I have a rant on intellectualy competition, elitism, etc... not tonight though, honey, I have a headache.

Phantom with Serena went well. Its an interesting and poignant show, although the songs when the entire cast sing along became indecipherable to me. Serena and I got along well enough, a few unkind things were said, but nothing tragic or hurtful. She loved Phantom, as expected, and we hung out at the stage door to get autographs, went back to her place with cookies and milk and watched "Queer Eye" ... damn good show. I slept on the couch (their new couch is comfy), and was awoken the next day as Serena was heading out the door. It hurts to know I hurt her so much, and I can see it ...

On the slightly more optimistic side, I got Serena a domain of her own for her birthday... I was looking for books on Voice Acting or a Google "hacks" book, but never actually ended up finding one that was "just right" ;p Seeing Master of the Orion 3 at a store, she purchased that for me, and I was thrilled. Its a decent game, but I'm not sure what to think of it. I'm going to play it through, but I'm thinking of a future embargo on computer games... If I've got lesiure time, it should be socialable lesiure time. Online gaming and IMing doesn't count (as Everquest has proven) and so even online Magic doesn't count as far as I'm concerned. If lesuire time forces me out of the house to deal/visit/see other people, its good for me. But after MOO3 :)

Drove to class, cursing at the improbably slow traffic... Class, Labwork, Home.
Missed West Wing :(

Oh, someone did gank my wizard, Temperate. lovely.

Post Midterm, try 2

And then I hit start run ... typed in a URL. I'm at the lab... "Reuse IE windows" is on... it started to load another page... Scrambled to hit stop and then to hit Ctrl-C to copy the text. Didn't make it.

And yes, It disappeared. All of it. Talking of the deck im running today, the passion for insurance in our culture, the guy with Tourrette's sitting next to me, talking about ones own dysfunctions, post-midterm, details of the project, where i need to work, the new firewire card I need and probably some significant stuff that I've already forgotten about it. Its so incredibly annoying, esp since I have started the habit of copying posts to the clipboard whenever I post incase the session has timed out. New rule, (or new plan), put a JS reminder to save the current entry every fifteen minutes.

I'll retype it all .. maybe ... during FNM today. If I'm not coding like I planned, or playing with my proxy deck as I expect to.

Science Fair

Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair

Everquest

Bit of a flashback. After I left the lab yesterday, I was high on a buzz of having a purpose and having work to do and knowing that I was accomplishing something. Good feeling. Called Serena to share a smile with her (perhaps in bad taste, I later realize) while I'm listening to the Cranberries at top volume. "The Sweetest Thing" made me think of her.

Have I noted how much I love my iPod? I can be inspired by This American Life, listen to Tom Clancy, jam to Madonna, sing along with the Cranberries, dance to the B-52s, make weird motions to "White Room," lower the window and thump my hand on the roof with "Walk this Way." ... Music is amazing. Its bloody fantastic. I LOVE my iPod. Instant gratification, not nearly as many failures as my old MP3 CD player, every sound I could want within its lovely 40g interior, with space to spare. With my computer still a shambles and not having setup outlook, email reading, palm pilot syncing or anything else, I'm using the pod to keep track of the phone numbers that I need in between times.

(Mental note : Go to Display and print out proxies of my three favorite mirrodin decks to smash face while I'm judging FNM tomorrow night).

There was a forest fire along the 210 and the 15 Intersection. Pulled out my credentials, passed through the police blockade and got closer to a forest fire than most people have ever been... Without an escort or safety gear, they kept me 500 ft back, but it still was a sight to see. Took a few shots on 1 stop pushed Kodak 1000... Went to the press area to get an escort and whatnot but they had left for the day. Left my information and resolved to come back before the fire was planned to be over (next week.)

Made it to my friends place, talked with Serena in the car ... I planned to hit the sack after stopping by their place and watching "The West Wing" ... they recorded it for me... we ended up drafting till about 2am. I did well with a deck, but the did shit for me, never drew the Promise of Power that forced me into black, but the workhorses of Shatter and Shrapnel Blast kick some ass.

Drove home and did something I had promised rolo.. I installed Everquest.
Yes, that bane of my past year of life, Everquest. After 50 minutes of patching, I used the password that Tim had retrived for his /my account (someone ganked it and my Wizard acct which is still AWOL).. and signed on. Wow, that was a blast from the past. Checked the bank, still had the gear I promised rolo as well as about 200k of plat, and 100k of saleable stuff, with which i should be able to clear 400$ with. Sell it all off.

Went into Wolf Form, ran around a while, felt a minor bit of longing, then signed off. This game isn't for me anymore. I'm getting off computer games as a whole. If you are going to enjoy yourself at all, make it a social event. Magic is good because you can spend time with people. Magic Online is bad because it makes you *feel* like you are having a social experience, when you really aren't. Thats the effect EQ had on me. I read through a few old logs, saw the mis-spellings, EQ lingo and the sheer devotion I had to this fantasy world... Grabbed a blanket and slept outside under the stars. Wow its pretty.

What freaked me out that night was I had my first EQ dream in almost six months. I was with a group, including Nonosassy (how the fuck did I remember my guild mate Nonosassy of all people. Jeez) ... We were in Kael Drakkel, fighting to a hidden area where people don't normally go. If we made it there, we could go to a night club IRL (In the real life)... yeah I didnt say it made sense.

I woke up at four. Not four am. Four pm.

Thourghly disgusted with myself for both dreamin about EQ and sleeping for 12 hours when I HAVE a midterm the next day and two CS projects that are pending, I went downstairs and read ... taking enough mini breaks to watch two halves of "I love the 80's Strikes back," half a "West Wing", the final 45 minute of "Singing in the Rain" ... Now im upstairs blogging and reviewing the old homework. Signed into EQ to see if rolo was on.. he wasn't. Other old friends were though. Made the conversations short and sweet and resisted their entreaties to "come back." EQ is dead for me now. It has to be.

Theres money still to be made hacking EQ. Spent a lot of Monday night doing research, writing tenative code, and seeing what hacks still worked and didn't (from peer info, I hadn't installed EQ yet.) Its not worth it. Most I could make atm was maybe $5/hr AFK, but for ever day that is macroed AFK, theres 8 hours of me writing code, debugging, hanging out in chatrooms trading information .. its not worth it. Asked dad if he thought the money (whatever amount) was worth it ... he calmed me and said to focus on school; dont worry about it. I knew he'd say that but it was nice to hear.

Roses comment struck a chord. Will I know when I get bit by love? I should hope so, but what the hell do I know. I'll be thinking about her thoughts tonight.

Back to Algorithm Analysis. Cheers.

Oh, iTunes Music store rocks. I'm tempted to *actually* buy music!

Coding and Friends.

I'm in the disabled students lab at cal poly, my refuge for getting work done at school. I was reading parts of Phillip K Dick's "A Scanner Darkly" during my algorithms class when he was doing repetitive things that I got ... Its so far a dark tale about drug use and addicition and a totally sad society, and enough mentions of sexual activity to get me thinking along those lines. Being easily affected by what I read is something that I really need to learn to get over, my mood can very greatly on my choice of text...

(two and a half hours later)

You know, whenever I plan to write a self-revealing blog, I'm sitting down and coding instead. Damn, its good for you. Little grinding of the teeth, lots of websearching, a sincere want to work *instead* of doing other crap.

Anyhow, if I can recall what was bothering me.. oh thats right. Well, Serena and I talked last night... actually, sorry for teasing, but I don't want to talk about it. I know shes hurting but I did what I thought was best, and even though I am still somewhat internally conflicted, honesty reminds me that its more my libido and ego talking than my heart.

Experienced panic for the first time in the usual way I did (as single) ... oh my god, what if I never meet anyone ever again. Then I remembered how much work I had to do and that I wouldn't be able to treat anyone properly and the angst disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

Serena and I are going to Phantom on tuesday, and dinner before that. It's her birthday and I want to treat her well. (There is something to be gleaned of the fact that I'm the one taking her out for her birthday, the rest of her friends are too unreliable or something. I'm glad to take her, I'm just saying that its total shit that her other friends aren't.) I was nervous about dinner because it'll be our first meeting and .. well.. I don't want her crying on her birthday. Shes willing to endure it and lectured me thinking that I was avoiding it for my sake, not hers. Phantom is such a mystical event for her that even me being there can't ruin it for her apparently, so its just a matter of dinner, which won't be as fun as a birthday dinner should be...

Afterwards, I'm sleeping at their place. The play will be over at 11. I've got class in Pomona (30 min away) at 9:15. Logic says I should stay down there. The couch is available (serena offered it), as is her bed ("We are both adults.").

Whatever your long term thoughts are on a possibility of a relationship, how do you avoid holding hands with someone you care about... holding them close, both because you *know* it makes them happy and it also makes you happy... Yeah, Serena points out that friends hold hands and cuddle at times (I do with Heather), but it wasn't right after we broke up. Wheres the line? Common Sense says not to even see her until we are over it. (She tells me that she's ready to be friends and I'm the one whos demanding protection and time. ) She says that she knows that its over and she's not going to get hopeful for something to rekindle if we do hold hands or whatever. And its the "whatever" part that worries me. Getting too friendly is way too easy, way too pleasurable, and something you *want* to do to celebrate a birthday. (shakes his head). And then what delimits that from a relationship? Less obligations, but you still get to have sex once in a while? Even if both people understand the settings there, how difficult would it be to delimit lines, especially so soon. And even if its consensual, isn't it "using" the emotionally weaker party?

(I'm not saying that Serena's open to "overly friendliness", im just thinking outloud.)

She posted to her blog today, and she used a word that I had thought of last time I meant to blog (and coded instead.) ... Dumped. When does being "dumped" instead become "breaking up?" She sounds .. and is ... hurt on her blog. And Mad. (I don't begrudge her the right to feel that way).

Is it chicken for me to avoid contact until she (and I) resolves those issues or is it me avoiding conflict (which apparently I do constantly)? In the past, its been wise to avoid the person. (ex-gf2) and I were good after we spent a few months apart, wounds healed, insecurities were somewhat dealt with, and aruging wasn't something we *needed* to do. For someone whos always *wanted* to be friends with ex's (me), I've got no track record, or any idea how to do it. I'm also always the dumpee...

At the same time, I've got X amount of time to think about this and X isn't that high on my priority list. I'm doing school... for real, finally. CS projects with 50hrs of assoc work due in two weeks. Studying for midterms and making up for class sessions I've missed (big personality trait/fault in me)... I take one or two evenings and hang out with my gamer friends in Hesperia. (They started talking about setting me up with someone, and started to look for pictures, at which point I shook my head and said, "Not now. Not for a while.") In all honesty, I gave up a great girl for lack of ability/(or want, if you subscribe to her theory) to be there for her, and changing the girl won't change the situation.

Funnily enough, they mentioned later that a) she lives 100 miles away and b) is emotionally shut off and needs help. Thats great, cause *that's* who'd you'd want to set me up with. Haven't we learned anything? I'm mostly happy single.. it hasn't really set yet, and I haven't gotten particularly lonely/randy/sad yet to experience the lows of being alone, but I'm busy. It helps.

I may be making myself out as the wronged party here, and I know that isn't the case. My extreme sadness at having hurt her and my understanding of her opinion doesn't help me figure out what to do on my side, however.

Wanderer and Eric, thanks. I really apprecaite it. Wanderer, you are right.
Comments appreciated and solicitied. I need help.

... cause breaking up is hard to do...

Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know its the right decision; I'm, baffingly, at a point where being in a relationship isn't high on my priority list, and Serena suffered because of that. Before she left we talked about working to make it better, but after seeing her at her apartment after she was gone, and then after a mini-row we had the next day over the phone (which was entirely my fault), I realized I wasn't going to be what she needed. Whether it was my not being capable of being what she needed (right now), or unwillingness to be what she needs is subject to debate. School is a priority, and I'm trying to keep it as such, ignoring other more fun things I'd normally be doing on days off. Taking care of my father right now, whos over-working since my mum is out of the country weighs on my mind. Moving towards returning to UCLA and living away from home again is a short term goal. Having a life that doesn't revolve around one or two people is important... Serena says I *do* have some sort of life. I guess so. I don't have friends at school, I only now have a *hang out* to go spend time (which I'm avoiding in favor of class projects, anyhow)... and I've got my family for comfort.

The distance was a big deal. Both ex-girlfriends were, literally, five minutes away from me; walking. Spending time with them and incorporating them into *my* life was easy. Go there and do homework, fool around, hold each other, go out on occasion... I'm not going to say the distance was insurmountable between Serena and I, but it was a big deterrant. She was always willing to come up to see me though, so I can't really blame distance.

It just didn't feel right. I totally adore her still, still find her attractive, but I'm saddened at knowing how much sadness I have caused her (she assures me that it would be more if she was single, but I'm not sure of that), and annoyed at myself that I'm not doing more for her... but I can't. (Or I won't, as she likes to remind me). It wasn't just her being depressed at times, or her reliance upon me for happiness, or the misunderstandings that happened when she came up to visit me whilst I was sick... Its that I know most of those, while originating from her character, were made worse by me not being there as much as she wanted, and I didn't see that changing in the future.

What about love? That was the clincher. I was listening to a "This American Life" (yeah yeah) episode about Conventions and the kind of people the went there... one person at a computer show was telling about a psychologist he met (as their shows were adjacent)... and he described falling in love with her. Staying awake and staring at them in bed ... (which Serena has done a number of times), craving them at every waking moment, making love constantly... I ... I just can't see myself feeling that way. And not just with Serena, but with anybody. (Which scares the living daylights out of me). If we continued being in a place where she cared a great deal more about me than I did her, the only result would be pain for both of us.

Sis told me that she doesn't know which is worse, being broken up with, or breaking up with someone. I hate inflicting sadness on people, especially since making people smile and laugh is such an important thing for me.

Is this better in the long run for her? I think so.
Do I regret the relationship? Not at all. Shes a wonderful person and there were definite good times.
Do I regret her being my first? Not at all. What I wanted from my *first* was someone that I could look back on and not regret it. I don't.
Did I make the right decision? Yeah.

Serenas hurting, and I worry more about me having caused her hurt now than I did when I was causing her hurt before. Her blog entry is underestimating how much I care for her, but from her point of view, I can understand it. I started crying at reading the lyrics from "Suitcase in Another Hall" from Evita.

I'm sorry Serena.

iPod

Lost in Translation

Lost in Translation

IRA: Alex spoke Russian. Lived in Russia for two years. Worked with refugees in Chicago for two years. And his Russian teacher thought he only needed one thing to make his life complete.
ALEX: She thought I needed a Russian girlfriend. She thought that only Russians would stand up to me the way I needed to be stood up to, or something, I don't know.
IRA: Our American women are just too soft.

IRA: So, she kept trying to fix him up with Russian women. And this one night she had him come out with a whole bunch of people, including this women, Elena, who was going to be his date.
ALEX: And so, I meet them for dinner. We are at the Sushi restaurant and everyone is telling stories and funny stories and I'm sitting across from my date and my Russian teacher is turning to me, "Tell them this story, tell them that story," and everyones laughing except for my date. So we leave this sushi restaurant and go to this club. We are all dancing, my Russian teacher is dancing, and all her friends are dancing, and everyone is exchanging partners and having fun, except for ... my date, whos sitting at a table and nursing a drink..
IRA: And looking?
ALEX: And looking bored. Really bored. And, I keep coming back from the dance floor, "Do you want to dance? Lets go dance." and she sort of smiled bitterly and shakes her head, and somebody else would drag me out and so I come back and sit down and sit next to her and try to strike up a conversation; something about how like "I guess you don't like dancing." She looks out at the floor and watches the people having, you know, a great time, and she sorta like nods her chin toward the floor and says [accented] "This is an American dance, no?"
IRA: [Laughing]
ALEX: And I drove away, thinking, well that was a horrible date. Neither of us enjoyed each other. ... We were not going to be seeing each other again. I get to Russian class the next week and, um, my Russian teacher says, "So, hey are you going to call Elena? She says she had a great time!" And I was like, floored by that. I was trying to figure out what that could have possible meant. And so, I was sorta mulling it over in my head and it was really fascinating to me. I realized that I have a very clear and, perhaps, culturally informed idea of what a great date is. And it has to do with what its like, to fall in love. And I realized, in my head, what I think of as a great date is what you see in the movies, the sort of falling in love montage... You go on a great date, it often invovles a boardwalk, theres a great deal of throwing your heads back in laughter, you might chase each other around a tree...
IRA: Theres a splashing of water...
ALEX: Oh yeah, the splashing of water is always invovled. ... And I think for her, this is something I always noticed when I was in Russian, for her, its a totally different thing. You know, in Russia, and in Russian literature, theres a lot of talk about the soul, and soulmates, and, I think for her, falling in love means finding the one person on the planet who understands the misery of life as deeply and fully as you do. And they can talk to you about it.
IRA: And so, when she acted all depressed on their date, she was not actually blowing Alex off, like he thought at the time. She was flirting. So Alex, decides to ask his Russian teacher about this theory... that Americans and Russians have this completely different theory of what it means to fall in love. And I have to say, hes a little bit nervous to try this out on her, in case its insulting or stereotyping Russians... But he explains the theory.
ALEX: And she... totally agreed! She was like "Thats absoluetly right! You're right!" And, she just went on a rant about Americans... and she was like "Americans... Americans have no idea what it is to fall in love, and Americans, I never understand it, Why do you always say 'He makes me laugh.' Why is that so important, 'He makes me laugh'. Everyone in America I've ever met, all they say, when you ask them how their relationship is, 'They make me laugh' as if that is the greatest thing in the world." She just .. you know, went off. As if I had said, many times, "I just want someone to make me laugh" ...
IRA: Some days, it seems like every story in the world is a story of cultural misunderstanding. Between people of different countries, Muslims and Christians, Blacks and Whites, Republicans and Democrats, Men and Women, Spanish-speakers and Anglos, Adults and Children, Rich and Poor people... And so today, in this era of misunderstanding, aboard and at home, we bring you an hour of what gets lost in translation.

The remainder of the program is decent, Act Two being excellent.

As far as other peoples thoughts go, heres a few more.

Yellow porn
In the U.S. adult film industry, Asian women are a sexual fetish and Asian men are almost completely absent. Prof. Darrell Hamamoto wants to change that -- by producing skin flicks with Asian male stars.

In your tribe
Young people are staying single longer because they are so fulfilled by their network of friends, says journalist Ethan Watters in a new book. Has he touched on a generational phenomenon, or did he just write a book about his Burning Man crew?

Whispers in the Dark

I'm thinking about people that dislike me right now. Its a good things to do once every few months. Take scope and see who've you've pissed off. Theres a lot in Ireland that can't really figure out if I'm just a twit (almost spelt that with an a) or a decent person hiding under a 2 ton anvil. They've even got a name! :giggles: Theres the old Mike and Ben crew, but most of them have reason; I failed in my responsibilities. The fact that some of them are just lousy human beings doesn't change what culpabiity I have. (ex-gf1) doesn't really like me, but we dated for a month, she broke up with me, it was my first realtionship, yeah, no surprise we aren't friends now. Theres the few folks that beat me up in High school, although I doubt I ranked highly enough to be worthy of the emotion. Yeah, as far as actively disliking me, thats all I can think of.

Its easy to get caught into a pattern of over-confidence (me recently, apparently) or under-confidence (Serena's my example today.) having been in both places, they both seem insane to the outsider and perfectly logical to the insider.

Mum taught me about humility foremost. As a young'n I was very humble... maybe I lost that while trying to prove myself at UCLA (as my accomplishments weren't showing potential, therefore have to convince people by other methods.) Theres something to be thought about there, its one of Mum's basic ideologies, and does make sense.

It also occured to me, as I've been trashed talked at times, I could just as easily return the favor, write terrible things about the Mike and Ben crew so whenever they google for their names (or an employer does, as happened to me), theres unkind things written... and yet, I don't feel that even my arch-nemisis among them is worth that kind of effort, or even attention.

I have to add my hyperbole disclaimer. And that I blither, don't double check what I write. Or I could just make this private and be done with it.

EDIT:
I'm no longer linked to by Xaos... Thats sad... Linkage is good!

I forgot how much fun Googling was.

Nerd Porn Auteur

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies
that are made for guys like me.

It doesn't matter if you think you're overweight or unattractive.
It doesn't matter if you don't think you're beautiful.
You are beautiful. . .
And I will make you a star.

This Cline guy isn't so bad. More of his stuff.

Oh, as for Nerd Porn... Some people have figured this out.
NakkidNerds.com. Yes, I'm serious.
Twisted Lens. Its not really porn, but pretty pictures.
The Specs Appeal Series of "Girls with Glasses" porn.

You might wonder how I happened to know about Nakkidnerds and Spec Appeal. I take the fifth.

The Late Recall Comments, and the West Wing

So, my disgust with Gray Davis and his administration has quadrupled since I've seen Davis and Bustamante's attack ads, the way that they are manipulating the truth, Davis hiding the deficit until he was elected again, the way Davis handed out contracts to signature gathering companies in the early weeks of the recall so that they wouldn't be available to collect recall signatures, his passing of bills that he had (in the past) refused to sign, simply to garner that interest's group vote, the questionable dealings with Indian Casinos, and the blatent mis-reporting of the LA Times.

I've cancelled my subscription and am urging my friends to. New York Times, here I come.

The Times Leaks on Arnold
What did the Democrats know and when did they know it?

Senior Democratic strategists knew the particulars of last Thursday L.A. Times expos?on Arnold Schwarzenegger well in advance of the story publication, the Weekly has learned from well-informed sources. This knowledge came not only in advance of publication but also before anyone outside a close circle at the Times knew of the story timing and particulars.

While the Times insists that its reporting uncovered the allegations of sexual misconduct on the part of Schwarzenegger, there can be no doubt that advance knowledge of the story was very helpful to Governor Gray Davis?efforts to retain his office in the recall election.

Closet Wacko Vs. Mega-Fibber

Long protected by editors at the Los Angeles Times--who have nixed every story Times reporters have ever tried to develop about Davis's storied history of physical violence, unhinged hysteria and gross profanity--the baby-faced, dual personality Davis has been allowed to hold high public office with impunity.

The Davis Touch
A Democratic operative is behind part of the Times?latest story

The L.A. Times has a story Saturday about three more women who allege that gubernatorial front-runner Arnold Schwarzenegger engaged in sexual misconduct over the years. Schwarzenegger, on his bus tour north of Fresno, said charges in the story "are absolutely untrue."

Thankfully, people saw past the nonsense.

Teflon Terminator
Polls show Schwarzenneger gaining strength after Times's hit piece
After a day of saturation coverage of the sex charges, Schwarzenegger actually gained one to two points. The explanation? Pollsters on both sides said people have mostly made up their minds about this election. Schwarzenegger has succeeded in focusing the election on change vs. the status quo. And Davis is so seriously disliked ?"Nixonian" is the term used by Field Poll director Mark DiCamillo ?that the late attacks seem a reconfirmation of what Democratic Attorney General Bill Lockyer calls "puke politics." It the same genre as Davis?patented attack mode which turned off voters last November and which, in part, precipitated this year recall when the budget crisis proved much larger than Davis had said. Davis erred Friday morning by saying on Good Morning America that the charges against Schwarzenegger "shock the public conscience." In so doing, the embattled governor firmly placed his fingerprints where he cannot afford to have them
.
Did Schwarzenegger alleged remarks about his admiration for Hitler ability to mesmerize a crowd and his rise from nowhere make the candidate a Nazi sympathizer? The back-to-back days of charges perhaps helped Schwarzenegger by making the close of the campaign seem a fur ball of charges against the ex Mr. Universe.

Was Schwarzenegger the right guy? I don't know. Was he better than Davis? Yes. Was he better than Bustamante? Yes. I'm not sure about McClintock, who is probably more compentent, but hes way too conservative for me. (That being said, Abortion is a federal right. Nothing the state can do can change that. Does it really matter if we have a pro-lifer Governor?)

Bustamante is still second-in-command, btw. Arianna was probably the most intelligent person up there and doomed to lose, if for no other reason that she bitched about Bush more than Davis.

Not sure about Prop 53 and 54. Infrastructure is damned important and a legacy of Eisenhower-age growth. Not collecting racial data always seems like a good idea to me, especially since there were amendments made to excluse medical statistics, discrimination research. But they both lost. Proposing state growth programs during a massive shortfall isn't probably the best idea anyhow.

Oh, and did anyone actually see THIS in the mainstream media?

Bustamante Won't Renounce Ties to Chicano Student Group
Instead, Bustamante, who is running to be governor of California, praised the Chicano Student Movement of Aztlan, or MEChA (search), and said he still supports it.

Racist or otherwise, critics say Bustamante's membership in MEChA is certainly more relevant than Arnold Schwarzenegger's father being a Nazi. Schwarzenegger uncovered that truth when he initiated his own search in 1990 of his father's past with the help of the Simon Wiesenthal Center.

In other news, the Belkin Battery Pack for my iPod seems to be destroying its battery, and it might have been the cause for my iPod dying in Uzbekistan. Since starting to use it again, Battery life has dropped 70%, a freshly charged battery reports itself to be empty when its plugged in, and of course, I seem to be the only one with problems.

Computer at home won't connect reliably to my router, even after its been freshly installed on a new HD, and the router totally reset. "The semaphore timeout period has expired." DCHP then gives me a 169.* address or just a plain invalid ip (0.0.0.0) and no idea why its happening. Have I mentioned that there are times I hate computers?

Some Bittorrents for you all.
Clerks - DVDRIP - Divx
Monty Python - The Meaning Of Life
A Streetcar Named Desire

Oh, I saw the Joe Schmo show. No ones releasing torrents of it sadly. It is damn funny, the guy is honorable and decent and doesn't take crap. Its simultaneously sad and extremely funny. God help me, I'm watching a "sorta" reality show.

West Wing isn't being written by Aaron Sorkin anymore! That pisses me off to no end and explains the less than excellent writing this season. Clips as I finally search to see whats up.

Live from New York, it's - Aaron Sorkin?
The writer and creator of "The West Wing" has set his sights on "Saturday Night Live" as the subject of his next TV series.

"He wants to do the politics, the fighting to get stuff on the air, the masterful show runner and the young crazy comics," said a Sorkin friend familiar with the project. "He's fascinated by it."

Random from that page : "Sorkin wrote nearly every word ever uttered on the show, but apparently couldn't deliver his dense scripts on time"

Lowe: I Was Slighted on 'West Wing'Newsday Rob Lowe says he quit "The West Wing" because he felt slighted by the show's creator, Aaron Sorkin, over the size of his role and the money he was making. Lowe was irked when his part as a White House staffer was cut back and he continued to take home $70,000 an episode, while co-star Martin Sheen, playing the president, got a raise to $300,000 a show. "Why didn't (Sorkin) know how much I loved him, how much I loved that show?" the actor told TV Guide for its Oct. 11 issue. "Why didn't he love me like I loved him? It's weird, considering it's another man, but that's as close as I can put it." Lowe also says the show would not accommodate requests for time off. He recalls a meeting at which producers upbraided him for an attendance record that showed he'd been late a total of 17 hours. "I was spied on. No other cast member had a meeting like that," Lowe said. Though his decision to leave was seen as a bad career move, Lowe landed on his feet as star and executive producer of "The Lyon's Den," a new legal drama on NBC

Media musings: 'Lyon's' sparkles, 'Wing' flat
Remember when it seemed like Rob Lowe was making a mistake by leaving "The West Wing"? Lowe's decision last year to leave one of television's best dramas seemed misguided at the time. Yes, the show's ratings have slid somewhat, but that was mostly due to ABC running "The Bachelor" against it. Creatively, the show seemed to have rebounded from a muddled third season, and in fact went on to win its fourth straight Emmy for Best Drama this year. But, based on viewing both the season premiere of "The West Wing" and the premiere of Lowe's new NBC show, "The Lyon's Den," Lowe's defection is starting to look like smart thinking. Because while "The Lyon's Den" shows some real promise, "The West Wing" showed some real trouble spots.

Sorkin's dialogue is unlike anything else on television -- funny and perceptive and graceful and, above all, in love with the idea of conversation itself. Even when Sorkin wasn't directly responsible for a "West Wing" script, you could feel his influence upon it. There was none of that in Wednesday's episode, which was written by the show's new head honcho, executive producer John Wells. The writing was capable enough, but had none of the music of a good Sorkin script.

The West Wing resorts to cheap tricks
Martin Sheen plays President Josiah Bartlet in The West Wing, a show now in trouble. When regime change meets the law of unintended consequences, unintended consequences have a way of seizing the spotlight -- even when the cause is good. And in The West Wing's case, the cause may not have been that good to begin with. Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing's creator and head writer, had a hand in every script of every episode of the behind-the-scenes White House drama since its inauguration on Sept. 22, 1999, and when he left the series in May The West Wing lost not just its most personal voice but possibly its heart and soul as well. Sorkin's ear for walk 'n' talk byplay in the corridors of power, his eye for the small, everyday details of life in the public service and his ability as a dramatist to find the drama in a debate over a line item veto or the machinations involved in getting the right person on to the right committee, are just some of the reasons The West Wing won four consecutive Emmy Awards for outstanding dramatic series. FBI special agents may have rescued presidential first daughter Zoey Bartlet (Elisabeth Moss) from her kidnappers in last week's episode, but the outcome had all the suspense of a fixed fight. The West Wing is in trouble, and not just because its ratings dropped 20 per cent last season over the previous year. The West Wing is in trouble because what once gave the show its charm and distinctive tone, the way it made heroic acts out of small deeds has been hijacked by high drama. The kidnapping of the president's daughter, a cheap audience trick, capped a season in which terrorist threats dominated The West Wing's agenda, from the officially sanctioned assassination of a foreign dignitary suspected of having terrorist ties to the endless conflict over a fictional Persian Gulf state called Qumar. Witty banter and fancy political footwork have become collateral damage.

Sorkin bears no small amount of responsibility for the direction The West Wing took last season, but he was able to compensate with his natural ear for dialogue and the way he could make his characters walk and talk with a spring in their step and a snap in their voice. Compare the smart, incisive way both Bartlet's personality and his complex relationship with his wife was revealed in a first-season episode, written by Sorkin ("We don't handle my wife. When we try, you know what happens at the other end of this building? I get a little punishment"), to the small talk of this year's season premiere, when Wells padded a scene by having Bartlet ask his wife, "You want me to call down for some coffee?" By obsessing over the terror threat, The West Wing is merely trying to reflect events in the real world, of course, but the more it does so, the more it reminds us that it is not real. It is no longer a drama about politics; it is a melodrama about terrorism. And if ER is any indication, and I think it is, it is also about to become a soap opera in the bedroom. What was once high-IQ entertainment now is now low-definition television.

:Sighs:

For those of us who love to study media, an excellent resource is Television Without Pity. Its also good for the fan who missed an episode of their fav. show.

Oh, the NBC show Las Vegas is passable. I watch it Mondays.

No torrents available for the Lyons Den though. The Practice lost half of its crew and looks to suck now... I only watched reruns on FX, but it wasn't half bad. I still prefer Law and Order. Anyone seen Jake 2.0?

Oh, something I loved from last episode...
Amy actually looks very pretty here. She says Josh could have told her she woke him: "I wouldn't have thought less of you." She enters, and he says, "Sleeping is...lacks a certain masculine...whatever." Amy: "Your virility is tied to exhaustion?" Josh offers coffee; she brought some. Amy: "It's been a while, but I don't remember fatigue improving your..." Please, let's not have commentary on their sex life.

I love it. I'm in the computer lab, and literally 40 people have sat at the broken computer next to me that has a BIG SIGN that says "Broken", punched its keys for a minute, then ask me if its working. Christ.

Muslim doll offers modest alternative to Barbie

But that's exactly why many Muslim Americans prefer Razanne, with her long-sleeved dresses, head scarf and, by her creator Ammar Saadeh's own admission, a not-so-buxom bustline.

Muslim doll offers modest alternative to Barbie

Quick update

HeatherW has refused to ever comment on me in a public forum again. (Bleh.) The keyword there is public. :p

Burning DVDs like mad for sis as mum leaves today.

Re-read the Timmy, Johnny and Spike article defining the three types of Magic players. I'm a Spike/Johnny.

The Johnny/Spike player wants to win but only on his own terms. Most of the rogue tournament deckbuilders are Johnny/Spikes. They go to great lengths to be able to win with original decks. Even when they have to use a pre-made deck, they will always tweak it to give the deck their own spin. A good example of a Johnny/Spike card is Basking Rootwalla. The card is cool and offers interesting deckbuilding opportunities but still has the raw power needed to win.

Sounds as bit right. Thats why I refused to play 'Tog. :)

I had posted half of this and forgot the other half. I think I'm going to go hang out with my gamer friends tonight and learn a board game or two.

My computers been sucking it for quite a while now; I'm emptying out my main drive onto a spare 60g and wiping it clean and starting again. Oh, I've got three sticks of 256mb DDR PC2100 ram, anyone need 'em?

Its funny, the new motherboard I bought supports PC3200 DDR and Athlon XPs to 3+ghz and I've got a 1.4 in there... the processor is again the slowest thing in the system..

I'm thinking of doing a Linux partition (again). Either that, or setting up multiple accts for Gaming and other stuff (that being said, drivers are universal, so booting into another mode won't solve anything.)

Serena called today; she read my blog and noticed that I hadn't written anything about missing her. I assured her that not writing about it didn't mean I didn't, and thats why I had called her two days before. Then followed an hour and a half discussion (with her at a public phone in Nice) about doubts and whether I can provide what she needs, and that she wouldn't give me the chance to change if she didn't love me, and whether I could love her... We've been on a brink of breaking up since I got back from Uzbekistan and neither of us wanted to break up on the phone. The thing is that even if I double the amount of attention I give her and time I spend with her, i'm not sure it'd be enough. Shes been thinking about HeatherW's comment about my wanting a High Maintainance girl and she wonders why I don't act like it... Apparently, i'm low maintainace. (ex-gf2) and (ex-gf1) would disagree though, so I don't know if its just with her, or what. I've calmed down significantly, get less insecure, let less things panic me and am looking logically at most things. Serena's a pessimist, I'm a, somewhere between an optimist and a realist, I guess.

But I like her. And she loves me. And she wants me to love her, and need her desperately; as she does me; and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm trying to be independent and self-sufficient; and I've never really _needed_ a girlfriend, I've always wanted one though.

*shakes his head* Long conversations will abound when she returns. Oh, she is enjoying Paris btw; she said she only started pondering such things when she had too much time by herself. There were analogies of "radar screens" and whether anyone would miss us if something happened to us..

Shes off to Budapest soon; apparently shes getting hit on a lot over there. Good for her. I've told her to consider taking advantage of it, she is travelling, and I'm not the jealous type. She should have fun. Its not some latent guilt over something I may have done in Uzbekistan, its just my purely practical sense. As long as I don't have to deal with it directly, thats fine. She says she won't though, and I beleive her.

Next blog will have the life direction change and all. Time to help mum finish her packing.

Magic

The three way Chaos was fun to watch, and watching play, something occured to me.

Quicksilver Fountain with Power Conduit.

Turn your opponents lands into Islands. Move the counters onto something useful, like a Spikeshot Goblin, or a Auriok Bladewarden. Not sure if its really constructed worthy, but it'd definately be fun.

The amount of artifact hate makes being able to bounce the Fountain essential. Aether Spellbomb is useful to keep the opponent's creature out of your way. A Isochron Scepter imprinted with Sound the Alarm, or even better, Boomering, would be phenominal. For that matter, this might be interesting in a Land Destruction deck... Burn half their lands, color screw the other half.

Here is a preliminary deck list made while I'm sitting in the computer lab waiting for the next class. This is untested, not-mother approved, and pure blither. I've checked brainburst and there aren't any posts in the deck construction forums about using the Fountain (as far as I can tell), and they are probably right. Maybe its not constructed worthy. But lets see.

UW Fountain v.5 - Rizwan Kassim

4 Quicksilver Fountain
4 Power Conduit
4 Boomerang
4 Eternal Dragon
4 Aether Spellbomb
3 Auriok Bladewarden
3 Isochron Scepter
3 Holy Day
3 Wrath of God
3 Sound the Alarm
2 Arrest

2 Temple of the False God
4 Flooded Strand
9 Plains
9 Island

Removed the planned Platinum Angel for "just in case" situations. Mana Leak and Annul is missing also. The only real win condition is an evasion Eternal Dragon being pumped, or a massive Auriok smacking your opponent, but without evasion. Neurok Hoversail might be useful there also. Again, as I'm learning, having combo decks that go off is a lot of fun, but the big question is consistency. What pct of opening hands can help you lead to a win? My Zombie Cleric Bridge worked because of many ways of winning, and the tools to make each of those a reasonable possibility. Oh, Wing Shards should be in there.

Theres also a ton of Global Reset out there, including a colorless option with Oblivion Stone. A Scepter with Boomerang would make this an easy play, bounce new lands that might provide color, opposing creatures, targets for removal...

Now a build with Spikeshot Goblin is a lot more fun, as I was watching it happen. Not sure if it should be aggro or LD...

The other thought for control is a Zur's Weirding / Words of Worship deck... I keep forgetting that T2 decks dont HAVE to be super-Mirrodin decks, they just have to be able to deal with them.

Oh, Teferi's Puzzle Box, with Underworld Dreams, Wheel and Deal, is a ton of fun. Of course its a combo deck and I have yet to see an enviroment where combo decks have enough time and luck to get out ... then again, I've only seen two Standard enviroments, pre- and post- Scourge. (Legions didn't change that much, and 8th only somewhat)

Anyhow,

I went to Dungeons and Dice (bleh) to play sealed on Sunday. Okay deck, I really want to start reading more Limited articles to decrease my percentage of suck, but thats not why I mentioned it.

(Flashback : Living with Tim Ford at UCLA in 2001-2002, which started my EQ days... It was the fun apartment. People came over daily to play games and there was never a lack of company, games, or entertainment. There was always a car ready to go to 7-11 for a Big Gulp)

I may have found that in the ville. It isn't my apartment, but I met a set of twenty somethings (~25) that just moved up a few months ago and are hardcore gamers. The kind of folks that have 200 board games split between them, RP often at home, have guests dropping by, etc. It reminded me of the impression I got of HeatherW when I first met her, Gamers are cool. (One of them's a girl, and Gamer girls are cool too.) I tried to explain the mentality to my parents on our walk that night... I'd seen parents getting into Magic to spend more time with their kids, and I remember mum playing checkers with me whenever we had time as a youngster (until I got old enough to beat her, :) ). I was reminded of the "odd" people, the gamers, anime freaks, role-players; the people that didn't do things piecemeal; if you have a hobby, embrace it! It was refreshing, and made my (sometimes) singular devotion to certain topics seem more "normal." I felt a need to be one of the Gamers, start playing D&D (see if it was for me)... HeatherW continues to dislike my categorization of people, but a new facet is being defined... you CAN tell a lot about a person by their hobbies, and just as importantly, their hobbies influence them. I'm probably blithering now, and since the "Chess, Magic" article, I'm freaked as fuck to actually make a definitive worldview statement without pondering it. :)

Anyhow, I met some gamers. Yay me. I'm going over to play board games on Tuesday.

Catching up

I've updated some of the stylesheets, remembering how much I like the "Mac like" look of Penn Masala Studio. My obsession with This American Life has inspired a new title, if not original, its descriptive. The quote occured to me as I listenend to Kodachrome and realized how much sense it actually meant.

CSS is REALLY REALLY cool. So is playing Magic.

So its Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper. Just finished watching A View from the Top, the Gwennth Palwtrow flick about becoming an Airline Stewardess... brought many a smile to my face. Also just saw the closing scenes of The Devils Advocate, with the amazing acting of Pacino(*) and the wonderful thoughts of God, and love.

"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man INSTINCTS! He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusment, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste! Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha! And when you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee landlord. Worship THAT? NEVER!"
"Better to rain in hell than serve in Heaven, is that it?"
"Why not? I'm here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began! I've nurtured every sensation man has been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. WHY? Because I never rejected him, inspite of all his imperfections...I'M A FAN OF MEN! I'm a humanist..."

and

"What about love?"
"Overrated. Biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate. "

... and I like chocolate.

I'm going to lose the terror alert soon. Its kinda a mute point, and my waning support for the Bush administration ... I play Devil's Advocate a lot... It gets me in trouble in political conversations, and one of my cousins, Aarif, seems to things I'm incredibly pro-Bush, and has a grudge against me for it. Yeah I voted for him. Best of two bad choices, as far as I'm concerned. I've started reading up on John Kerry, and so far, I like what I see. Fiscal Conservative. (Bush has proven to be anything but, even Iraq aside. Fiscal Conservancy isn't just lowering taxes). Socially Liberal. (Despite my incredibly hatred of Affirmative Action, I'd like to think im reasonably liberal outside of economic views.)... Lets see how it plays out.

DVDShrink is a great tool for burning DVDs btw. I'm making DVDs for Sis so she has English programming as a refuge in Spain (as per her request, she wants to be able to not have to translate in the 20 min she watches part of a movie before she goes to bed...) I'm making sure to leave in the Spanish language features though :evil grin:

Edit: Burning Lilo and Stich on the laptop, so time to make some site mods.

Removing e-mood link, I rarely updated it.

Removing Terror Alert, for already described reasons.

Removing the Broken WebLinks, I've already linked to Lessig in the "better blogs" area.
Newsci
Lessig News
Lessig Blog

As you all know, now both the news links and the blog rolling are cached, loading to much faster processing times for the page. (Sadly, the home page being ~25k with one posting and not including the includes still means a download delay.)

Re-trimming "Site Design Ideas." Anything to save a byte.

Made Brain Snacks an include, instead of an inline file.

Dumping the "My Interests" section until I find some better way of representing it. Code hidden here for posterity's sake.

Confessed my current love of "Aqua" to my Brain Candy. Ooh, they've got a new (2000) album!

I missed BBVDat House of Blues... No girl to take to dance with me, no Heather to force to dance with me, and I kinda forget. ::annoyance::

Rebalanced the sides again. I'd really appreciate if you all would start reading/commenting again, its getting lonely after having a fan base. I'm over being hurt, honest! :)

I sent off the Uzbekistan pictures to be scanned and developed finally. Theres too much of (ex-gf2) in my Pictures area, some of them are just lousy shots. Most are out on next picture update.

Removed some "quotes":

"A palindrome: Retteb sif lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better"
"The more head downwards I am, the more I keep inventing new things."
-Lewis Carrollin Through the Looking Glass
"Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearance of magic. "
-Arthur C Clarke s Third Law in Profiles of the Future
"And while the law [of competition] may be sometimes hard for the individual, it is best for the race, because it ensures the survival of the fittest in every department."
-Andrew Carnegie
You cannot push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb himself."
-Andrew Carnegie
"Advertising is of the very essence of democracy. An election goes on every minute of the business day across the counters of hundreds of thousands of stores and shops where the customers state their preferences and determine which manufacturer and which product shall be the leader today, and which shall lead tomorrow."
-Bruce Barton
"The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure thing boat never gets far from shore."
-Dale Carnegie
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Integrity means a willingness not to violate one's identity. "
-Erich Fromm