Rizwan Kassim's Public Log

Even more links, whatever.

God and Gaming
Outsiders Looking In: Creating a Good Impression (Magic)
Public Speaking for Judges

Is it fair?

Am I being unfair?

I try to be good to the people I date. I didn’t treat Serena as well as I should of, and I regret that. The first two weeks of our relationship is how the rest should have gone too.

anyhow, I try to be good. Sarah was quite ill last weekend and after visiting her in the morning on my way to an event, I realized how horrible she felt…. and no one likes to be alone then. I skipped the event, which was financially and socially important to me so that I could take care of her. I felt terrible for welching on a commitment but I felt her need was stronger than theirs/mine. However much I’d like to feel as if I did something special, it was the only proper thing to do and I’d do it again.

Today, after a long day (of fun, mind you, gaming with fellow Enigmans, as some disappointments, on my way home, I get a call from a friend, suggesting that we visit her (Sarah’s) post cast party. Sarah was drunk and mocked me a bit for telling her that I missed her. (I said so saying that she would have enjoyed the events.) Thats ok, shes drunk and apologized later. I’m feelin a bit left out, but I resolve that her best friend is in town and I’ll not act like a little boy, something I do too often. I’d already told her how I felt about things the previous day when I told her how much I hated the way she talked to me in front of her friends, snapping at me and yelling a few times. That was a big deal for me and she genuinely took it in.
I drop her and her friends and my friend off, and just as I start to leave her dorm…

:CRACK:

The pedal for my clutch dies. Or the cable snaps… or something. My car won’t shift gears or event start up again. Lovely.

I kick a few things (need to work on my anger management, I get too emotional nowadays) and realize how thankful I should be that this didnt happen on the I5. Sarah comes back and I explain that my clutch died and that I can’t drive. She asks what the plan is, I deicde to call triple A. we go up to her apartment and her friend comes in… This person immediately offers to help push my car… something that neither Sarah or her friend offered. (In all fairness, I didn’t say “oh how will I get my car from A to B” … I said “my cars dead …. I’ll call AAA”).. I wasn’t expecting it from her friend, and it was quite nice of her to offer.

Sarah’s got a massive blister and her friends quite tired, so after they prep for bed, I just go to the floor study lounge to pass the time.

I offered, yes. It’d be childish to be mad at her for letting me go, and I’m not that childish. That being said, I would have liked her to have had SOME concern for me, in that I’m probably facing massive car repair bills at a time I can’t handle it and while her and I aren’t exactly smooth sailing anyhow. Her leaving her room to come and give me a big hug and comfort me. Her taking a pillow and coming to sleep on my lap until AAA comes.

But no, she slept. And a good part of me says “good, she needed the sleep.” The rest of it wonders what happened to her being there for me? I do do these things for her, I dont know if I’m wrong in wanting them back. I show genuine concern for her and do things I normally wouldn’t for her. (I’m wearing my shirts untucked for chirst’s sake!)

No one ever has ever shown nearly as much effort in making me happy as I have them. No ones ever sent me random love letters just for the hell of it, with occasion or reciprocity in mind. No ones ever seduced me with one fourth of the effort I do with them… Is it the role of a male to feel this way? Like I’m constantly chasing the carrot at the end of the stick?

Am I asking too much? Or am I right in feeling this?

Clearing up myIE2 again!

Games on my Treo 600
GambitStudios ETA on a PalmOS5 Liberty Emulator

DCI Web Reporter

I still have Textpattern Installed as an alternative blog engine, but its not at all setup…

Moveable Type 3.0

Choate has something cool on de-referencing the extensions from your webpage to make all content pages seem like paths instead of php files…

Now lets see if the rebuild works…?

EDIT: Rebuild was fine. I’m inexplicably disappointed that somehow my main page didn’t look entirely different… no reason it should, but it would have been cool :)

That Wonderful Time

Plan to work on my site design, then give it up.

Finally finished my midterms today; so I think im a bit entitled to wasting some time on a portal that NO ONE READS!

:chuckles:

I was going to talk about the past few weeks (Sarah, school, Sarah, school, Lora,Sarah,PTsd, school)… but I thought I’d check my MT plugins etc…

Turns out that Moveable type - the engine that I use to run my blog - is becoming a pay piece of software - crippling the free version. Thats just annoying, and the trend is even more disturbing. Reading around, I’ve been pointed to like ten other content distribution systems that arent as ‘arbitrary’ as movable type- so i might check those out.

All that being said, MT works. I can post from my Treo and I dont HAVE to upgrade to 3.0, especially since im still waiting on my design from Snazzykat…

EDIT : I should really either smack Seth around :grin: or find a real ISP… I think his version of PHP is old or something; for that matter I’m still using lifegonewrong as my middle house for all my data transfers… time to start paying for real (or get a proper linux.ucla.edu acct? ;p )

Theres so much I can do with a real site, publish my coding exploits from classes… my photography…

Go here to try out various Content Management Systems - all without installation! They provide a demo server!

Self Destruction

Context for the rest: Some of Sarah’s friends didn’t get along too well with me and I perhaps was over friendly… random issues and all. He said she said. Its very much like High School.

So today was a doozy of a day..
more context..

I knew a while ago that this week was going to be hell. Midterms on Monday/Wednesday, Lora being down Wed - Fri, E3 on Thursday, and PTsd from Fri till Sunday; and Sarah and my first month anniv (yes, we’re saps) on the Monday.

So today was study all morning (skipping classes; repeat lectures tomorrow) for my CS143 midterm. I kicked its ass, btw. Got home and resumed plans with Sarah for our one month anniv…

Sigh, I’m too tired to blog this anymore.

Bullet points:
Sarah was unhappy when i picked her up but didnt tell me until halfway through dinner. Her issues were valid, but either stuff she should have let go or stuff she should have told me before we spent an hour talking like total strangers at dinner.
Sarah’s bothered that Lora’s coming down, but for no reason. Shes not threatened, it just makes her uncomfortable, and I really want Lora to have a good time down here because she deserves it and it sounds like she needs it.
Sarah and I talked; its more like one of those sucky situations in life then anyones fault, it just sucked that it happened on a night when i actually planned for things to be romantic and cute and all. We talked it over and after a nights sleep we’ll be fine, but I couldn’t find a poker game to let out stress… called Heather to hear her say that she was going to go to bed soon, and pretty much waffle on whether or not she wanted to talk (she hasn’t heard about sarah yet and wants to know, she says); for all that I’ve been there for her, she could have said “its ok riz, lets talk, i can stay up” —- esp since she doesnt have work the next day..

So thats a double whammy. Yay for mom being there to talk to.

Sarah had some reasonable points, but not normally stuff she’d call me on (and stuff that was a bit too petty to let ruin a day)… plus I suggested that she go to this movie with her friend (since I wouldn’t take her cause I had plans with Lora at that time) and that really bothered her. This after her telling me that she doesn’t care about Lora coming for like two weeks.

On top of this is a Late CS 131 project that hasn’t been started, a tough 118 midterm on wed, Homeworks due on Wed and Friday, and PTsd this weekend; plus the fun/nervousness of seeing Lora again; la lala.

Sigh, I’m tired today. Whenever I make an effort to have a nice date, it ALWAYS self-destructs, I really should stop trying.

On the up side, got lots of my UCLA transfer stuff approved, finalized my roommate situ for next year, realized I’ve got 50 units after this quarter left to my UCLA career and etc.

Anyhow, tomorrows another day…

EDIT : In side notes, Sung just offered me booze cause he saw I was down. It was nice and kinda funny. No, I didnt drink, I’m not feeling that bad.

New readers

Its been a busy couple of weeks with midterms, I’m going to post some more after midterms are done…